Responses to: On Growing Up (and out of your Church)

The following is a response to a good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, and had genuine questions about what I’d written. I’m flattered by the sincere thoughts, so here was my reply:


The risk of titling an essay “On growing up (and out of your church)” can, upon first impression, give one the sense that in order to have one- you must have the other. By simply throwing this item out on the table, I instantly risk sounding both unnecessarily heady or like a know-it-all, or both. The title was not intended to imply “In order to grow up you have to leave your church.”

It would be a self-contradiction for me to counter-respond with any degree of certainty. After all, the point of the essay was my admission of not knowing! It’s just that I don’t believe anyone else’s claims to certainty either.

From time to time, when I dump that amount of verbiage onto my laptop screen, I don’t do it to challenge or threaten the sincerely held beliefs of my friends, if there were to be any hidden agenda on my part- it would largely be me “trolling” for like-minded thinkers who are interested in sharing similar adventures. To which I’ve enjoyed some success. More importantly though, I sense a deep responsibility to my children and even my grandchildren who very well may ponder, some day long after I’m gone, why I’ve made the decisions I have. How have I come to these conclusions? These kinds of decisions have multi-dimensional impacts and I fully realize my accountability, indeed to generations.


Recently, one familial association of mine laughed quite heartily when I shot from the hip saying I “thought my way out of the church.” Upon closer inspection though, one has to ask if there is any other legitimate course in this regard? The examples are many of those who backslide out of the church and into chaos. That was my father, who grew up well within the moral boundaries of the church’s nurturing. His was no positive direction “out” of the church. What about the more subtle variety though, the even more well known process of fading away slowly, going through the motions once in a while, feeling disillusioned but not really doing anything about it. The half-assing your way out of the church because it “never really did anything for me anyway” routine isn’t exactly the purpose-driven life either- more of a stagnant non-directional flop out of the church. Standard institutional groupthink, on the other hand, typically sees either harmonious alignment to truth within the church, or the backslidden “fall from grace” as it were. To say you “thought your way out” or came to other rationally induced conclusions doesn’t compute to anything other than theological syntax error, and is henceforth redistributed to the “fallen from grace- prayer list” file.

I guess the greatest paradox, in considering institutions, is how they can simultaneously be both absolutely necessary and also, diabolical. Like I mentioned in regards to my Father, I don’t know where he could have found the support structure anywhere else but within the church as he ironed out so much of the flagrant chaos in his life. During his last 10 years, the church provided the “source code” and shielding relationships that finally brought him peace. True, like the analogy goes, he first had to “die to himself” before moving on within the confines of institution. It really worked like a charm too, re-inventing his map, as I remember haggling over ice cream with him and his response: “But it’s the ONLY VICE I have left!”, which was true.

Diabolically though, churches latently exist (like any group or institution) for the furtherance of the church as a cohesive organization more than for the individual development of it’s members. Consider if you will the static theological plight of a paid SDA minister. I’ve met many that I liked. If any true-to-reason minister comes to the conclusion that part of the doctrinal structure they always believed in isn’t quite as sensible as they originally thought it to be, well, what are their options? How much doctrinal flexibility is there in Adventism? On the 27 fundamentals there isn’t really any. The choices for an SDA minister who decidedly comes to a more dynamic (that’s as opposed to static, or unmoving) understanding of certain doctrinal conclusions (Des Ford) really has no room for OPEN exploration within the confines of the church. The church would quickly take away the more direct pragmatic needs in his life, his way of making a living! With a degree in theology and 10 or so years logged as a clergyman, it’s kind of difficult to re-invent your way of making a living. So maintaining the status quo (intellectual dishonesty) or complete divorce from the institution (and it’s retirement plan) often are the only choices for a clergyman with that dilemma. I truly feel bad for anyone who intellectually grows out of the very institution that pays his or her bills. It’s a system that doesn’t nurture true theological exploration, but structural rigidity.

The example of a minister is more of an extreme case, I know, but the de-motivators for swapping out life’s biggest navigational aides loom over all of us. Once again the paradox; that a truly spiritual (and by that I equally mean mental) walk is one that will likely change considerably from beginning to end, but churches pretty much remain unchanging, as is their nature in order to survive as organizations with identities to uphold. Should there be limits on the influence of groupthink and institution in our life?

This brings us back to the reason we’re discussing this in the first place. Continuing your participation in a church organization, whether it is for the sake of your spouse, your kids, or for other people in your sphere of influence, may very well be the most profound act of sacrifice and giving you could offer. Genuine, because you’re purposefully putting yourself into a territory that isn’t necessarily nurturing to you, but by being there, you’re furthering the growth of someone else at a time they need it most. Sacrifice, hmmm…. there’s nothing in it for you, but everything to gain.

I truly hope you’re furthering someone else along to become conscious, more capable, more honest and giving like yourself. That really is the goal isn’t it? Because if we’re going to whatever church we do in order to receive something, then I’m afraid we’re all going to remain spiritually unchanging, which isn’t actually spiritual at all now is it? Well, I guess that ultimately depends on whether or not religion has a binary conclusion to you- the saved/lost motif. I see no evidence of life being reduced to such binary conclusions anymore.

On a personal note though, in order to genuinely belong to an organization, you actually have to internalize the goals and cultural norms of that organization. As you deftly stated “we need to be sharing the truth about God's character” implies that one assumes a convinced understanding of the Creator. Now, you know the model of God’s character and government that I LIKE to think about, but regardless of how much I’d LIKE to BELIEVE it, I can’t bring myself anymore to the intellectual posture necessary that assumes:
“Since I happen to be more adept and certain in understanding the Creator of the universe, more than you do anyway, then I inherently have a waiver at performing one of the most profoundly intrusive acts a human being can do; attempt to influence or change your belief system- to make you believe as I DO.”
This is a goal of the church in which I can’t rationally align myself.

All of the most simplistic/fundamentalist religions in the world, to include Branch Davidians, Mormons, Southern Baptists, Sunni Muslims, and your most culturally retrospective “Historical” Seventh-day Adventist believe they hold this waiver more than anyone else does. Everyone in absolute certainty of the truth…

As my essay forthrightly told, I know less now it seems than I ever did before. I’m less certain now about what I seemed to have had all locked up when I was younger. More over, I’m ok with it. The mystery I’m left with has become a source of wonderment for me. And to speak certainly… life is no less miraculous!
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Winding Down Weatherly

Like most other visual pursuits of mine, Weatherly and the Trainworks began not as a coordinated or preplanned event, but as happenstance that grew into somewhat of an affection. Weatherly, even the name seeps with quaintness. It’s simple, and when the church bell isn’t ringing it’s also fairly quiet.

Now I’m pretty much a misplaced Californian, so my fondness of byway Pennsylvanian boroughs and towns doesn’t come from being a local, nor does it come from being a tourist. In California I am inundated with the new- oh there’s texture to be sure, but you wouldn’t necessarily know it by driving through a random neighborhood. Towns in central Pennsylvania stand in contrast, where the economical designs of the past, together with the flaking paint and peeling siding interweave with John Mellencamp’s “Small Town” as I drive through.

That cultural contrast is what my mind stumbled upon when I first rolled into Weatherly, (known once upon a time as Black Creek) in order to visit an old Army buddy back in 2000. Since then, my visits have been dual purpose, friends and exploration.

On one of these walks around town, I stood on the main thoroughfare staring at an aged industrial building that appeared to be older than anything else. With train tracks leading into it and a river running alongside, I couldn’t resist. What was once the Weatherly “Train Works” seemed so central to this Pennsylvanian discovery of mine. With the assistance of a long-time resident by the name of John, whom I believe worked there when he was young; I was graciously given the opportunity to photograph the place inside and out. The images came easily.

Still, I’m a semi-routine observer, just visiting with a sense to pause. Every time I do I’ve come away with something new and worthwhile. Perhaps new only to my west-coast sensitivities, but old compared to me! I won’t attempt to verbally extrapolate the images, that’s not something I do (I find it silly when artists do that!) but maybe you’ll get a feeling like I did at the Train Works- something that felt somewhat gritty but familiar, something industrial of course, something… American? Rational or not, it was visually exciting!

I never really “complete” a place that interests me, and there may be more images to be made from this place that is so terrifically commonplace. After all, my old Army buddy expects another visit from me soon I suspect. I’ll look some more, however the most indelible impressions have largely been made in my mind’s eye. I think about them as we make our journey back home and the kids bug me to play what they want to hear from my iPod. They oddly ask me to play “Allentown”…

Posting Images Troubles

What gives with blogger? I attempted many photo uploads tonight with no avail....

Noyes Museum Gala! & Facebook

Long time no post, but here's something! The Noyes Museum Gala is coming up this summer. On July 13th they will be auctioning off a collection of fine artwork, to include mine. Two prints will be offered by the Noyes.

Looks like I should give up some more images after this...

On other fronts, I thought I would enlarge/enliven the blogging concept with a Facebook profile, which shows a little more of my professional life as well. Look for the James Shull profile with a helo on Facebook.com and click the make friends button... that is if you have a Facebook profile account... and if you're friendly of course!

Update to Gallery Site

Please have a gander at the latest portfolio I've placed into the LightWalk gallery site at http://www.lightwalk.us/

Capsized Johnboat, Oyster Creek, NJ 2007

At the top of the Portfolios link, I've inserted "Atlantic City and the Jersey Shore". This is my most recent body of work.

I've still to put in: "Weatherly and the Trainworks" portfolio (this is still ongoing), as well as making each image individually viewable.

Stay tuned for a possible magazine interview...

Merry Xmas

Aerial photo. Pine trees in a ice/snow covered pond. Upstate NY, around 2002-2003.

Atlantic City Boardwalk, Nighttime

Unused Billboard, Atlantic City Boardwalk, NJ 2007

I feel a tad guilty admitting I like this image in color more than it's black and white equivalent. The eery light of Atlantic City is reflecting off of the low cloud ceilings and creating a wonderful orange-esh glow. Color it will stay.

I'll be making more of an effort here to photograph Atlantic City. The Casinos pose a challenge for me since I'm not interested in revealing with obvious intent which casinos they are. I have no particular interest in casinos (though they have great restaurants!) other than the night-light imaging possibilities they provide. Besides, I can't rightfully conceive of a Jersey Shore project without including a strong dose of Atlantic City. MY Atlantic City.

Pier end, Atlantic City, NJ 2007

New Light Walk Gallery Site!

The link is going to soon be the same as it always has been... I hope, so don't change the link quite yet. In the mean time, it's temporarily visible at http://lightwalk.homestead.com/

This is the temporary site until I unlock the old domain. What's to see? A comprehensive portfolio of Salton Sea, next will be Kansas, then .... you'll see.

Noyes 2007 Associate Artist Exhibition

Here we go with another show at the Noyes. As the card states Nov 2-25. Two of my recent images will be on display there along with a fine selection of paintings and works from other Noyes associate artists. I will be there at the reception, which is on 16 Nov @ 5-8pm.

Nicely enough, the good people at the Noyes used my recent "Steel Door, Columbia, Ca" image for the announcement card. Pleasant surprise.

Just had a large batch of negatives processed- neat things coming from PA and NJ.

Trainworks...

Still digging into the negatives here, worked on about 4 images tonight for some preliminary results.

Current article

This was the press release put out by the Pleasantville - Absecon Current. Not bad. I'm curious how they got the second image however, as I only remember submitting the top one.

This article discussed the JerseyArts showcase gallery that I have been featured in during the month of Sept., which can be found at http://www.jerseyarts.com/gallery/index.html

Please check it out, if it's past September 2007, then it will be in the Past Exhibits section.

Back from Cali

It's nice to be back from my not-so-restful vacation back west. Don't get me wrong, I loved getting back to Cali for the first time since 03, however we went nonstop.


My opportunities for acquiring images were few, but I snuck a few in, particularly in Columbia and Monterey. Here's my treasure:


Steel Door, Columbia, Ca. 2007

Door Painting, Columbia, Ca. 2007

Stucco and Shadow, Monterey, Ca. 2007

What do you do when you're standing in line at Disneyland?

Had to just post these for fun...
Of course though, when you're with camera, you're never really bored. Not even when you're waiting in line for your kids to ride the new Nemo submarine adventure.
Taken in August.

Noyes 2007 Biennial

I trust the opening went well at the Noyes for the 2007 Biennial. I wasn't there as I had a family camping trip up in the Delaware water gap- beautiful! Even a few images made.

Anyways, the folks at the Noyes were kind enough to put my image on their homepage, http://www.noyesmuseum.org/index.htm . Have a looksee.

The image used for the show was this, Public Pier, New London, 2006.

...and if you look closely, you can see a USCG 25' patrol boat in the center of the river. You see, it's an action photo!

On other fronts, Jersey Arts, http://www.jerseyarts.com/index.cfm , will likely give me a gallery slot in their online feature artist gallery sometime this fall it appears. Perhaps this will coincide with the upcoming Noyes Museum 2007 Associate Artist Members Exhibition?

Oyster Creek. Visit 2

Really recent digital work from this last weekend...









And left over from visit #1...

Atlantic County Public Library- Mays Landing, NJ

Here's what Michael Cagno and company from the Noyes Museum of Art put up in Mays Landing:

It's a library after all, so we can't expect gallery lighting, but hey, it was a great presentation none the less. Thank you all.

Oyster Creek, NJ

Catch Buckets, Oyster Creek, NJ 2007

If serendipity wasn't a reality, then there would be no photographs from me! It's funny how often I'll meander around thinking "Well, probably not much around here..." I catch myself at it all the time, just a little battle I often have with myself to keep LOOKING!


Last weekend my youngest and I went out photographing, of course he was fussing to go home after oh, about... 10 minutes. We went several places, but I had the most fun at Oyster Creek. I'll definitely go back.


My "Weatherly and the Trainworks" images are beginning to taper off. I kind of feel complete with the Trainworks, not Weatherly- just the Trainworks itself. I probably won't be back to Weatherly for several months, but I'm sure it will be there. It probably won't change much. Here's one of the last images from the Trainworks. Not the last, just one of them.


Bucket Cart, Weatherly Trainworks, 2007

BitterSweet

As with everything else in life, I'm beginning to understand that our human preoccupation with making our surroundings comfortable is both necessary... and condemning. Another paradox worth exploring as I'm pondering this parenting experiment my wife and I are still engaged in.

The Creator gives us some obvious motivations to reproduce, that's not where I'm heading with this. I had my own agenda, a score to settle if you will. I needed to KNOW that I could do it right where so many others on both sides of my family had messed up. Not bring accidental occurrences of misguided passion but souls that were intentionally brought into this world. Planned, intended, purposeful. This is what I get the pleasure of telling my children all the time and they know it. They get tired of hearing about it.


So why the hell do so many other people have kids (who, seemingly had them intentionally just like we did) just to provide a semi-cognitive and laissez faire non-participatory involvement in their children's lives. It seems criminally negligent to my wife and I. Well, criminal in a spiritual/psychosocial sense perhaps. This parenting style appears to be quite prevalent.


Having these two aliens in our lives has proven to be difficult, life-altering, energy-draining, painstaking, freedom sapping, complex and uncomfortable. Uncomfortably complex.


Along the path I so often just want them to go to Gma's or something for a while. Or if they're acting up and everyone's tired, my wife and I tend to want to just mentally check out from them for a while and let them be. After all, it's not like they're going to kill each other, right? These are the bad days though and they're transient at best because my better conscience is always telling me to keep sharpening them, keep guiding, keep being patient, keep staying mentally there, keep listening to the endless chatter concerning Animal Planet and Star Wars, and oh yeah DISCIPLINE.

My own preoccupation with attempting to make the continual mental engagement with my kids more... comfortable... is that very bridge that I see other people faltering at "Perhaps I'll just let this atrocious behaviour slide this one more time again..." Another temporary mental vacation, more comfort sought.


I've never been much of a Tom Cruise fan, but one of his movies so graphically puts life's legitimate suffering on the table better than many. In "Vanilla Sky", his character's friend is letting him in on why his life turned so irreplaceably horrid, "You only like to live for the Sweet! But, life is both bitter, and sweet. If all you have is the sweet, it stops tasting that way! You have to have the bitter, in order to taste the sweet!"


Casa Blanca is also somewhat of a case study on legitimate suffering, but I digress...


Parenthood is by far one of the most magical, joyous, enriching, complex and delightful adventures that any truthseeker could ever embark upon. Delightfully complex. We genuinely enjoy the company of each other more than anyone else. The dream I had before I was a father of having my young ones RACE to me when I came home has become my reality, just as I did when my own Dad got home after work. You'd have to kill me to give em' up, though the whole thing is so routinely uncomfortable... bitter even at times.


We don't sing to them anymore as we put them to bed -they're getting bigger after all. But I think about all the rest of these things as I tuck them into bed at night, like every other night, and lie with each of them for a while, like every other night. It usually enters my mind after I remind them of what they're tired of hearing- that they were two on-purpose-people, and that I loved them before they had even arrived. Nothin' sweeter than that.


...and there you go. It looks like I'll be legitimately uncomfortable for a bit longer still. Kind of like losing yourself to gain yourself. Now where have I heard that before?

Unused Window, Train Works, PA

I know it's been a little while since I last posted so here's something I'm just tossing in. Still plenty of images to sift through from the Trainworks trip and this is a worthwhile one from the hasselblad stack. Some of the large format images should be here shortly. I had a big scare that many of them had been destroyed as the lab erroneously processed them with color chemistry! Lucky for me the postal service delivered the second batch much later than the first, so we had time to adjust from the first mistake. Most images will be done just fine.

The Noyes Museum of Art is presenting multiple opportunities throughout this year that I'll be excited to participate in. Here's the schedule:

Noyes Museum Biennial, 20 July - 2 September 2007
Atlantic County Library system/Noyes Museum collaboration, 2 July - for up to 3 months
Riverfront Renaissance Center for the Arts/Noyes Museum collaboration, 20 Sep.- 14 Oct. 2007
Noyes Museum Associate Artist Members Exhibition, 2 Nov. - 25 Nov.

Once again, here's the Noyes link: http://www.noyesmuseum.org/

Black Dirt Courtyard, PA

The Noyes Museum 2007 Biennial is coming up here soon and I've been wondering what image to offer-up to the show. This is the one I was thinking of using... I'm open to suggestions, it has to have been made within the last 2 years, so, this one qualifies.

Photographers, quite often, aren't very good editors of their own work from what I hear. We have our own built-in prejudices toward our own work such that it's difficult to make an objective decision sometimes. It's so based on feeling, integral of course, but it's not always what everyone else is thinking/feeling too.

Anyway, the discolored dirt in this Trainworks "Courtyard" was eerily black from compounded years of industrialization. But things were still growing...