"That's me." says figure in North American folklore alleged to inhabit remote forests.

WALLA WALLA, Washington — Seeking to end rampant speculation whether or not a small detail in a NASA probe photo of the surface of the planet Mars is indeed a Sasquatch-like creature and not a wind-carved rock -- as researchers on the project have speculated -- Bigfoot held a press conference yesterday in downtown Walla Walla.

"That's me. I vacation there all the time." the legendary behemoth growled. "Sometimes you just gotta get away from all the trees ... and the stress of the forest. You know, the constant drone of crickets. Babbling brooks. Bird shit. It can really wear on a guy."

NASA countered the conspiratorial public reaction to the photo by suggesting it may be nothing more than a wind-carved rock on the surface of the red planet.

"I understand Bigfoot's motivation to gain publicity from this pseudo-discovery, but frankly, he's really embarrassing himself this time." responded NASA scientist Erich Von Schefflen.

"I may be a rock", Sasquatch joked, showing off his washboard-like abs, "but I am certainly not wind-carved." He then kissed his biceps and flashed a glowing smile for the cameras. "This is all from my special new Redwood Workout. It'll be out on DVD in March."

To further prove his point, Bigfoot made reference to the famed 1967 16mm film shot by amateur Sasquatch hunters Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin at Six Rivers National Park in northern California.

"Go to the Patterson-Gimlin film of me in '67" said Bigfoot of his debut appearance.. "See that saunter thing I do? That's what I'm doin' on Mars, bitches, struttin' my stuff." Bigfoot then stepped from behind the podium to demonstrate his telltale gait.

Bigfoot's big breakthrough came in 1987's Harry and the Hendersons, in which he played Harry, a forest creature who takes up residence with a suburban family. Critics deride Bigfoot's performance as 'pedestrian' and 'not a stretch.'

"He's like Bruce Willis or John Wayne, always playing himself." Gene Shalit remarked at the time of the film's debut.

Although Von Schefflen admits to enjoying Bigfoot on an entertainment level, he laments the hirsute giant's latest efforts to claim a part of the spotlight. "It's just a freakin' rock, people!"

Bigfoot's previous public venture was in a series of television commercials for Jack Link's Beef Jerky, in which he ultimately terrorizes humans who taunt him.

"Let's face it. We're all in this credit crunch thing. I've got bills to pay. You think going to Mars is cheap?"

VATICAN CITY — Archivists for the Catholic Church stumbled upon a most unlikely find — a hand-written note from Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians thanking them humbly for a yet unknown gift. The text was made public yesterday by a church eager for a public relations boost. Experts estimate the note to be from around year 61 A.D.

New document sheds light on civil rights leader's beverage of choice.

Atlanta, GA — (AP) Anthropology professor Donald Dawes wasn't sure what to make of the several boxes of files marked only with a mysterious "MLK" he uncovered in a basement storage closet at Emory University in Atlanta.

Yellowed notepaper found in the dusty files contained a very rare early draft of Reverend Martin Luther King's immortal "I Have a Dream" speech. Astounded by his find, Dawes carefully reviewed the draft, and found few differences between the copy he held and King's shining vision espoused on The Mall in Washington, D.C. nearly 43 years ago.

Little did he realize, however, the speech he thought he knew so well would have a surprise ending.

Instead of referencing a negro spiritual to close the speech, King praised his love for the teas made from a tree indigenous to the Eastern United States and parts of Canada.

The first draft handwritten finale in fact reads:

"Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty for this sassafras!"

The discovery has led some scholars and activists to wonder whether it would tarnish King's legacy. Several warned it could make him appear to be "a total jackass" and "a pale imitation of Dr. Seuss".

But others have found King's ebullient enthusiasm for the beverage charming. "It shows he was a real person." stated B'nai B'rith spokesperson Rebecca Yourkiewicz, "The modern equivalent would be someone exulting 'I'm a Pepper!'"

"This document is a true piece of American history. I think it would make a nice display piece, perhaps with one of Reverend King's teacups." Dawes elaborated. He later lamented the fact that he did not find one of King's teacups in the secret stash.

"The man had an insatiable thirst for justice." Dawes added. "And apparently, at the time he was writing the speech, a pretty darn good thirst for tea as well."

DHAKA, Bangladesh — Cyclone Sidr, with sustained winds of at least 131 mph (210 kph), made landfall Thursday night along the western coast of Bangladesh near the border with India, unleashing floodwaters.

Local officials said at least 500 people were killed in the tropical storm. But for some, those estimates aren't good enough.

"Pathetic, really." commented longtime International Federation of Red Cross coordinator Ryan Covington. "We were expected 40 to 50,000 dead. Five hundred and seventy two is just an utter disappointment for us. We stocked 70,000 body bags and now, we just have to haul them back with us. Unfortunately, there will probably be another storm, and we'll just have to cart that shit back here again. Jeez!"

Covington isn't alone in his disdain for this cyclone's poor performance. Cheytana Anjanab concurs with Covington's grim assessment.

"The 24-hour news outlets have practically ignored us this time. What a waste of 572 lives. Imagine if 18,000 or more would have perished. I might have got to meet Soledad O'Brien."

Previous cyclones in this impoverished part of the world were responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths. In 1991, a similar cyclone nearly wiped the southern city of Chittagong off the map.

Anjanab chided the cyclone as if it were a child: "Sidr's effort was really lacking. Winds only at 131 mph? C'mon, you've got to try harder than that to raise that death toll."

"The '91 cyclone was very ambitious." Anjanab continued, "it really went out of its way to kill people — 140,000 in all. That's the year I had breakfast with Wolf Blitzer."

Hebron, OH — The recent discovery of a cache of Civil War-era correspondence illustrates that as their husbands marched off to battle, the women they left behind often turned to virtually anything to assist them in coping with their immense loneliness.

Excerpts released to the Ledger yesterday show that Mrs. Myrna Coleridge of nearby Kirkersville was one of these women. Her husband, James Thornton Coleridge of the 11th Ohio Infantry served the Union cause from June of 1861 until his death in the Battle of Buzzard's Roost Gap, Tennessee in February of 1864.

The loving, handwritten letters tell of Coleridge's continued, desperate bouts of marital isolation. They also describe the various and copious remedies she employed to relieve such solitude.

"I feel I have failed you, my sweetest, for my lonesome state has agitated my fingers to the breaking point... I can no longer resist the swelling hunger in my loins ...

Subsequent correspondence relates Coleridge's attempts to find peace with household objects:

"...for the dowel rod Miss Vitula Abernathy suggested I employ in my time of need has left my womanly cleft asplinter. I do say it was to be pleasurable at first, but I then deemed it to be as if my birth canal had engorged itself upon a horde of briar bushes, and it was not pleasurable atall..."

Another letter describes how those left alone relied upon one another to satisfy their basest needs:

"Our dearest neighbor Azaelea Lee Witherspoon has known about my condition for some time now, and has sought to remedy it with the dewy softness of her own tongue..."

The final letter discloses how desperate Coleridge had become:

"... I hope I am not chanced upon in the buttery with my buss affixed to a steed, for I should die a thousand deaths of embarassment and shame, and sully the Coleridge name for generations to come..."

Austin Harvey, noted Civil War historian and author of The Aching Wrist: The Uncivil War in the Bedroom acknowledges that Coleridge's experience was not uncommon. "Posers like Ken Burns would have you believe that these women wrote to their dearest only of their undying love and devotion. But now, we have proof positive that sometimes, they were just horny as hell."

Heath, OH - Referee Avery Thomas doesn’t take “nothing from nobody,” he says, "especially not some punk ass, fat slob of a coach like Bill Walsh.”

That was apparent for all to see at the Community Center Tuesday night during an over-30 basketball league match-up between Charlie and the Chocolate Thunderdunks and the Extremely White Fundamentalists.

During a particularly heated exchange of elbows under the basket, Walsh came tearing off the bench, gesticulating wildly. He fell onto the court, shaking with rage, unable to comprehend why there was no call on the play.

Thomas, who’s always wanted to be the center of attention, immediately blew his whistle. But not to call a foul on one of the players involved in the skirmish. He leapt, cat-quick from way downtown toward Walsh to slap a “T” right in his “goddamn face.”

Turned out, Walsh was in the midst of an epileptic seizure, and just seconds from swallowing his own tongue.

“Get up, you cocksucker!” Thomas screamed at Walsh. “Or I’ll throw you out of this game.”

Meanwhile, people all around were screaming, “Call an ambulance! I think he’s having a seizure!”

Thomas, blind with rage, continued yelling at Walsh, convinced the whole thing was an act.

“If you don’t get up right this second … “ Thomas spat. “I swear … that’s it! You’re out of here!”

As paramedics were racing Walsh to the hospital, the game eventually continued, with the Thunderdunks able to secure a 115-42 victory.

Funeral arrangements for Walsh are pending.

Tulsa, OK — (FNI) Mike Merkle’s love of Tulsa is unmatched.

That love was recently put to the test when local CBS affiliate, KOTV6 re-ran a troublesome episode of the hit TV show Friends, and Merkle, home in the middle of the day as usual, caught it while re-heating some burritos.

In that episode, entitled "The One Where Emma Cries", Chandler Bing is relocated to an office branch in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The news of this is met by derision by the other "Friends."

"What the hell does Courteney Coxsucker know about Tulsa?" an enraged Merkle demanded.

Merkle, a lifelong resident, takes pride in his city and his defense of it.

"Funny thing is, I can actually afford a place like theirs in Tulsa. In New York? You couldn't get a god-damned TV camera into one of those closets they call an apartment. That’s clearly a set in Hollyweird." Merkle chuckled.

Others say Merkle has always had a hard time letting go of the past, including things like Pearl Harbor and court-mandated child custody decisions.

“Come to think of it, Rhonda had a real problem with Tulsa, too. That’s why they moved to Dall-ass. What a bitch!” Merkle continued, “I wonder if Danny is in Little League?"

Merkle’s passion for Tulsa tends to overwhelm all who endure his presence. Sometimes, co-workers and acquaintances say that passion goes too far.

“Tulsa’s pretty cool, but it’s not the best. I’ve been to Oklahoma City, and that place is nice, too.” Said Shelby Hargrove, a fellow employee at Robertson Tire.

Upon hearing Hargrove equivocating between the two Oklahoma cities, Merkle flew into a spittled rage.

“Tulsa kicks Oklahoma Shitty’s ass!” Merkle cried, pounding his fists on the countertop.

Hargrove proceeded with a giant eye-roll and a ‘whatever’ before leaving the break room.

“I think the real problem is he doesn’t have any Friends of his own.”

Delaware, OH — After finishing off a third helping of his wife’s Tuna Noodle Casserole, Jerry Basham named himself The World’s First Non-Competitive Eating Champion.

“Kobayashi ain’t got nothin’ on me. Neither does that Joey kid frm California.” Basham boasted. “Lightweights, both of ‘em.”

Basham contends he’s been eating ‘non-competitively’ for the past 61 of his 64 years of life.

“My momma fed me ‘til I was three, so I can’t count that.”

Basham believes that eating at competitive ‘events’ is just a gimmick dreamed up to sell hot dogs. He says, the real true champion eaters are those who do it every day for a lifetime.

“I may not sit down to a plate of 66 wieners, but give me a bag of Cheetos and I’ll polish it off during a Matlock rerun. And I won’t stop there, no sir. I’ll add a couple of Zebra Cakes, a container of Slim Jims, and a 2-liter of Vernors. Tomorrow, it will be Pinwheels and pretzel sticks.”

Basham has even fashioned a ‘belt buckle’ that touts the self-imposed title.

“I didn’t get an A in metal shop for nothing.”

Basham's wife, Edna, wearily testifies to his eating prowess.

“I’m at the damned Kroger’s four times a week.”

Basham now boasts a 49-inch waistline, a testament, he says, to his lifelong commitment to mastication and digestion.

“The real prize, is the knowledge that there’s always another meal. And snacks in between those meals.” said Basham, drifting off into an enchilada-induced haze.

Edna, however, secretly hopes to soon see an end to her husband’s reign.

“Please dear God, is one fatal heart attack too much to ask? I’d like to go on a cruise.”

Corpus Christi, TX — (AP) In an effort to curry favor and garner votes in future elections, some democrats have taken to shaking hands and kissing babies as soon as they enter the country. As you might expect, this 'Welcome Wagon-treatment' can be confusing to many Mexicans, especially to those attempting to enter the country for a second or third time.

Pedro Escuela was one of those confused, saying through a translator, “I was, like, holy shit, I’m fucked now. But then everyone was so nice. They gave me papers and shit. From now on, I’m Joe Swanson … from San Antonio!”

"These Mexicans hold the key to our political futures." An unnamed member of the welcoming committee said. "They're going to fill a role for us traditionally held by black people. We want them to use these forged documents and 'vote democrat' in the next election. That’s all."

The Democratic border patrol has set up welcoming stations all along the Mexican border. Three weeks ago, Juan Iglesia nearly drowned swimming across the Rio Grande, eventually washing up near Laredo.

"Imagine my surprise, Hefe. I’m crawling up the riverbank and I see this blonde waving at me." Iglesia explained. "I was, like, oh no! But she was all, "Welcome to America! On behalf of the people of the great state of New York, I’d like to present you with this towel … and these identity papers!" I was overjoyed. I’m proud to be an American named Stanley Rubinowitz."

Swanson and Rubinowitz both plan to vote for the democratic candidate in the 2008 presidential election, unless of course that candidate is named John Kerry.