Email from a guy with a relationship dilemma

Last week, I received an email from a gay guy who's got a boyfriend who lives in the UK. The email was as follows:

Dear GB,
Thank you for taking the time to read this email. I only recently found your blog and have found it a very interesting read.

I am currently facing a relationship-related dilemma for which I hope clarity could be achieved from unbiased, objective third-party views.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am in my late 20s and have recently returned to my native country after a long stint in the UK as a student. For 2 years preceding my return, I lived with the guy I am currently in a relationship with. Barring the odd drama, our relationship is otherwise stable, and uncomplicated, which is how we both prefer it. As clichéd as it may sound, we "get" each other, share a fairly identical sense of humour and are at complete ease in each other's company. He absolutely adores me and I do him. As a partner, he complements my cynical, non-trusting, and at times glass-half-empty nature. The understanding at this point is that I will return to join him.

The current state of economy of the UK, in which I am sure you are far more well-versed than myself, does however make me question the arrangement of my plans and priorities. I have professional ambitions that are more easily fulfilled in my native country, compared to as an alien in the UK. While the qualifications I have under my belt are reasonable, they are by no means outstanding. The current graduate glut (and the apparent record levels of unemployment) that I keep reading about in the English press has only made the difficult task appear impossible. That said, the situation does not seem as dire where I am now, which leads me to believe that I could go much further here professionally.

On the other hand, if I were to discard this perfectly functioning relationship, I suspect finding another one will not be easy. I have no complexes about my sexuality, but nor do I wear it on my sleeve. There exists a gay scene here, but there is a complete lack of variety apart from the stereotypical campy merriment which, while I fully support an individual's right to enjoy himself, does not sit well with me. I doubt I would be willing to immerse myself in all that in the hopes of a happy accident. Besides, my overwhelmingly heterosexual-male circle of friends here are marrying off one by one (even a few gay acquaintances!), and I do not doubt very soon the pressure will be on me to do the same. It is extremely unlikely I will go down the route of scamming a poor girl into sham matrimony but I wonder how it feels to be "that old guy who has never married who lives by himself". I also wonder how my traditionally-minded parents are going to handle queries about me from nosy friends and relatives. I wonder how I will handle them.

I know the answer is ultimately mine but I really could use the benefits of the opinions of those who have been there and done that, or simply have been in the game for longer than I have. Thank you.

Regards.

Although the reader doesn't say where his native country is, my guess is that he comes from one of what bankers call the "emerging markets", perhaps somewhere like the Indian sub-continent. Exactly where he comes from isn't relevant, however given that there isn't much gay life where he now lives, it seems highly likely to me that he'd find it a lot easier being gay in the UK. Gay people in the UK can now enter into civil partnership, the law protects us from discrimination, and it's easy to meet other gay people either online or on the gay scene in the major cities. For these reasons alone, even if he didn't have a boyfriend in the UK, I would suggest that he should consider moving over here if possible.

These days, the UK seems to welcome English speaking graduates, wherever they come from. There's a points based system for qualifying for a work visa, which takes account of age, qualifications and previous earnings, although there's also a requirement to have had the equivalent of £2,800 savings for three months prior to the application. Then, once someone has lived legitimately in the UK for 5 years, they can apply for "indefinite leave to remain" which means they can stay forever. By comparison it's much harder to reach the same point in the USA for example. In today's global knowledge-based economy, I think it's a smart move by the UK government to make it possible for graduates to move to the UK like this.

At the moment though, it's true that the UK is entering a recession. However now that the UK government has moved to support the banks, and with a pledge to restore growth from the G20 group of nations, my best guess is that all the right ingredients are in place for an eventual recovery. A week ago I went to an event which aims to recruit gay graduates into banking. Like last year, my role was simply to talk to the students and to recommend banking as a career to them. But while I was there I also spoke to a few of the bank's human resources representatives, and in spite of the recession it's clear that they're all still hiring graduates.

In terms of career versus personal life, I think personal life should always come first. It can be hard to prioritise because without an income (presumably from a career) it's hard to have a fulfilling personal life, however I think a person who derives all his satisfaction in life from career success is likely to end up sad and lonely. So although the reader may be able to focus on a career in his home country for a few years, he won't be able to ignore the fact that he's gay forever. Given that it'll be hard to find a new boyfriend where is is, he may well find himself trapped in a loveless life after a few years with mounting pressures from his family to get married. It was Fran from Strictly Ballroom who said "A life lived in fear is a life half lived", and they're wise words!

For all these reasons, I would lean towards suggesting that the reader should move back to the UK if possible. Unlike where he's currently living, the UK is a good place to be gay, because he won't to be able to ignore that side of his personality forever. Since he already has a boyfriend here, it'll be much easier for him to move than it would be for anyone who's never lived over here before.

Until recently, the reader who sent me the email was in a different country from where he grew up, which is exactly the same situation that boyfriend P still finds himself. Similarly, boyfriend P also has a boyfriend who lives in the UK :-). So since boyfriend P has known about my blog for a while now, I asked him for his thoughts on this reader's email and he had the following things to say:

There are so many issues that this reader has raised that I think I need to tackle them methodically.

Firstly, the way I see it from the email there's the professional ambition issue. Then there's the underlying relationship dynamic between him and his partner and the fear of not being able to find another relationship. The third is the issue of societal/parental pressure to get married.

So let me tackle the first. Career-wise, it's always important to not put all your eggs in one basket. I reckon he is about to graduate and will be looking for a job. Instead of just focusing on one market, why not put a word out to prospective employers in different markets, different countries. Whoever offers the best prospects and remunerations is worth considering seriously. Until that happens, it's too early to tell. I don't really know where this reader is originally from and what kind of environment that country of origin is in so it is hard to assess. Also, be practical about long-term prospects. It may be easier to get a job in his native country, but a stint in the UK may be far highly valuable in the longer run. But again, don't count your chicks before your eggs are hatched. The reader should send his resume out and gauge the responses of employers. The decision will be more pragmatic then.

The second issue I am surmising is that he is not 100 per cent happy in the current relationship. He seems to suggest that they are coasting along. But coasting along in a relationship is never good enough. There has to be passion. One important question he needs to ask himself: "Am I in love with him?" The fear of not being able to find another boyfriend shouldn't even be a subject. Life's too short, and he's too young to be feeling trapped in a loveless relationship. At my age, and I'm no spring chicken, I still believe in great loves and The One. Yet there are many The Ones coming into our lives, of course. But I honestly think if one relationship doesn't work out, another one will present itself over time.

The third issue: parental/societal pressures. I suspect that the reader is originally from a conservative country in Asia with strong Confucianist influence. If that's the case, the pressure to conform with the rest of society and marry and provide offsprings is highly intense. That pressure is real, especially if the reader is not out to his family and friends. Having lived in the UK, it will be especially hard for him to adjust to life back at home. Again, I think life is too short to be feeling unhappy and trapped. Think about the option of coming out to family. Assess the possibility of being upfront and truthful to his parents and siblings. If telling a parent is hard or impossible, tell a closer sibling. And get his or her perspective. I don't know what his family dynamic is, but all I know is that it is not healthy for him to pretend to be someone he is not.

So those are my thoughts. Plenty of things for him to think about. The final decision should be based on having thought through all these issues carefully. We can only provide perspectives, but the reader has to come his own decisions because he knows the full story, the intricacies and complexities in his life. The question of him being in love with his partner should be central in the decision-making process, but shouldn't be the only one that he based his final decision on.

I wish him all the best. It will be an exciting time no matter. Whatever his decision is, he needs to be happy with it. When that happens, everything else falls into place.

Now, GB. I hope this is not your way of asking me to think about OUR own issues....

And as an aside note to GB's readers, some of his postings recently have put some of his and my conversations a little out of context. Certain things were omitted for artistic and dramatic purposes. I'm not the mean-spirited person some readers have made me out to be. Like many of you, I'm looking for true love too.

xoxo
Boyfriend P

Do any other readers have any further thoughts?

The gay reproductive advantage

I recently spotted an interesting article about homosexuality in The Economist. The article describes a new theory which tries to explain why the genes that cause homosexuality have survived in the population. If you think about this it's a bit of a mystery, because genes that make parenthood less likely should gradually eliminate themselves from the gene pool over the long periods of time, so the genetic expectation is that gay people shouldn't exist. However, the new idea is that the genes that make people gay also confer reproductive advantages as long as they do not push the individual possessing them all the way to homosexuality.

For example, apparently personality tests show that gay men rank higher than straight men in standardised tests for agreeableness, expressiveness, conscientiousness, openness to experience and neuroticism. Further data suggest that having a more feminine personality might indeed give a heterosexual male an advantage, because women can be attracted to those with feminine traits such as tenderness, considerateness and kindness, because such men make better carers and providers.

For me, this theory has a ring of truth about it. After all, in my experience, it's not uncommon to hear single women say that all the men they fancy are either already married or gay!

Email from a gay guy wanting dating advice

About a week ago, the following email arrived in my inbox:

Dear GB,

I came across your blog, thought it was pretty intriguing. I was just reading your "gaydar advantage" and "something about Mary effect" posts, it got me thinking about my online dating history so far. Most guys I've met online seem to just want sex and some of them will say anything to get in my pants. In fact, I met someone on Manhunt a month ago, thought it went pretty well, turned out he was just playing and wanted to have sex with me. I didn't have sex with him when we met despite his somewhat aggressive way to get me to it, I actually told him from my experience if I have sex with someone on the first date he usually won't call back and I didn't want to rush things with him cuz I like him, apparently it went over his head. Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing? He might have thought I was too tense and prudish. Should I have just got the sex out of the way and see what happens next? Or should I unload myself before I go on a date?

Obviously I'm moving on and trying to keep dating, but I'm really confused about the right approach to internet dating, the right mentality for gay dating, the whole sex or dating priority conflict. I just turned 25 today, and I've never had a boyfriend. I'm at a point where I'm (secretly) desperate for a relationship more than anything and I don't wanna get my feeling hurt over some random guy again (even tho it doesn't happen that often), I know it sounds a bit crazy, but I mean, going at this rate I doubt I'll ever have one. Should I drop dating/sex sites?

Anyways, hopefully I made sense lol. Looking forward to your insight on this. Would really appreciate!!

Looking back over the years, I've had some good experiences with sites like gaydar and gay.com, so I don't think it's necessary to stop using such sites. Also, although I think it can be a good idea for straight guys to unload before an important date, I don't think that it's a good idea for gay guys. Gay life can be quite sex oriented, so I reckon it's better to keep a full tank to use with one's new friend :-).

Indeed, I think the "gaydar advantage" post summarises my view quite well. As the reader says, I reckon one should just have sex and see what happens next! Perhaps one thing that I didn't say was that after a successful liaison, it may be that neither guy feels confident enough to phone the other guy for another meeting. However given that one met online, it usually feels much easier to make contact online again. So rather than waiting for a phone call, if one likes a guy a good plan can be to watch out for him again in the chat rooms, and arrange subsequent meetings in the same way that the first meeting was arranged.

Since dating is quite a personal thing, I thought it would be a good idea to get some other views on this subject. So I took the reader's email, deleted his name and email address, and sent it to a few of the bloggers that I've met to get some further opinions. The first guy to respond was Monty who had the following to say:

Mmmm, tricky question. “right approach to internet dating, the right mentality for gay dating, the whole sex or dating priority conflict” Initially, I started out somewhat like your reader, seeing Mr Right in quite a few guys that I met. And as a consequence, this lead to a lot of disappointment. I suppose the thing that prevented me from getting too disheartened was the fact that I was also out there meeting quite a few Mr Right Nows as well (for shags). My attitude towards internet dating was that I was online looking for a Mr Right and therefore, the likelihood was that Mr Right was online too, looking for me. We just had to find each other. And so, I was going to search my arse off. BUT, I also realized that there was plenty of guys online who weren’t looking for Mr Right (even if they said they were) – they were just looking for a shag and that was it. So, I thought that while my search was going on, I was going to take all the opportunities that arose (no pun intended) to have some fun. No point in being a nun! So I was fairly laid-back (again, no pun intended) when meeting up with guys…if there was attraction, I was up for it. Even if I thought that the guy had potential, I still was willing to shag first, ask questions later. And this did lead to a few mini-relationships (3 – 4 weeks) with guys who I thought could have been, but obviously, in hindsight, weren’t Mr Right. And eventually, it did lead me to meeting my gorgeous McBrad – the thing is, we did chat on the phone a couple of times before meeting, but when we did meet, we did shag on the first date. And it did more than work out.

3 rules that one of my friends gave me in relation to internet dating were also good. Always have a face pic, always talk on the phone before you meet up, and always meet in a public place. This was not only beneficial from a personal safety perspective, but talking on the phone allowed me to get a bit of an idea about the guy first too. Your profile could also state that you are open to a relationship – this may put off some guys who are only after a shag, but that’s a good thing if you’re wanting to find a guy who is open to a relationship.

What am I trying to say to your reader? Best advice – chill out. Don’t stress about whether to shag or not. Date as many guys as you like, keeping an open mind about them and sooner or later, you’ll find HIM! The right one won’t mind if you have sex on the first date. Relax and Enjoy the search.

A couple of days later, I got a reply from czechOUT, who said:

Internet Dating vs. Internet Cruising: The problem you are experiencing looks like it can be easily fixed. Consider the nature of the website that you are using. We are blessed (or cursed) with a huge choice of dating, chat and cruising sites. You say that you were using Manhunt. Like Gaydar, Manhunt is a cruising site where guys tend to be looking for Mr Right Now rather than for Mr Right. You may well stumble upon Mr Right along the way, but guys usually go there to cruise for no-strings sex. In contrast there are gay dating and social networking sites whose purpose is to bring like-minded men together for other activities. Try OUTeverywhere, a site where the focus is on dating rather than meeting for sex.

The "no sex on first dates" rule: It is not unusual for people to have a "no sex on first date" rule. This tactic is only going to have meaning where we meet someone on a real date and not where the other person is only looking for sex. When people want to meet for sex then once they have "done you", unless they are looking for a regular fuck-buddy, you are ticked off their list. It sounds like the people you are meeting simply aren't seeing those meetings the same way you do - as a date. For them it's about sex. In the future use the cruising sites to cruise. If you are looking for a serious and proper date, then switch to a dating site.

Then, yesterday evening I got a reply from HBH, who said:

While I understand this readers predicament I feel he's looking for love in an unlikely website. Manhunt, I fear, has even more of a sex factor than a love factor. I think there may be some readers who would beg to differ but I base my knowledge about Manhunt from the friends I have and what they look for on that website. And, it's not love.

I myself, a user of Gaydar have always had two minds about this website. I'm proud to say I have found love there and put to rest a notion that it's on the same level as Manhunt. With a higher love factor than Manhunt I think the reader might find better luck on Gaydar or perhaps Gay.com. Again, this is solely based on my situation and an off the cuff analysis from my dating experience on Gaydar.

The reader seems to worry about second guessing himself in his approach. I think if he is looking for love then my all means he is right to be very up front with his dates. It is the failure to be up front that often leads to confusion after sex. Then the reader no doubt spends days after waiting or wondering what happened. If all is set out in clear, concise words (tactfully) then the reader will either find exactly what he seeks or not. Like the guy the reader spoke about, who had his words 'fly above his head' should be seen as a good thing and not the opposite. It's a good thing to be firm. The result is no false expectations regardless of how heartbreaking.

I would suggest he continue his string of dating from websites if that is what he is comfortable with that medium. It takes some patience and kissing a few frogs before a prince will turn up. Alternatively, I would suggest the coffee shop scene. Coffee shops in noted gay areas are becoming good meeting places. The reader seems to have a good head on, and knows what he wants. I caution against being too desperate as that can set off alarms. It's never any good to be desperate about anything..

Finally I got a reply from DL, a straight blogger that I met last June, who said:

As your writer had come to realise, most people in chatrooms and dating sites seek sex with no strings attached. I guess at the end of the day, what is more important is to follow his heart and know what he wants to get out of his actions. He can still use such sites but continue to hold on to his principles. Maybe he'll need to examine why he hasn't found a bf after all these time? He'll probably need to deal with those first? In any case, i think it is possible to not rely on such sites. A friend of mine met his partner in a lift! He may be the rare few but it is certainly possible. Also, he could consider using the tips in your blog. ;)

Hopefully amongst the thoughts of myself, Monty, czechOUT, HBH and DL there'll be some ideas that the reader can use :-). But do any other bloggers or readers have any other thoughts on this subject?

Redundancies in the City

Last week, I get a phone call from a guy who used to work for me, and who now works for a small European bank's London branch.

"Hi, is that GB," he starts.

"Yes, who's this?"

"It's W, remember me? I think I need some advice. They're making me redundant :-(!"

I'm always happy to give advice to guys who used to work for me, but in this case I decide that it would be better to discuss things face to face, so I agree to meet up with him after work. Later that day, I contact a trader I know who works for the same bank as W by sending him a message on Blooomberg, to try and find out a bit more about what's going on. I get a reply within a few minutes:

They're making about 1/3 of us redundant. Looks like they're moving the profitable businesses back to head office, but I'm still here for now, enjoying the easy markets ...

I guess that 'easy markets' means that there's very little going on in the market that this guy trades, which can't bode well for his future either.

After work, I meet W in a smart City wine bar. I order a decent bottle of red Burgundy, before sitting down with him to see whether there's anything useful that I can tell him.

"Apparently they did some kind of assessment," says W, "and worked out that I was the most expendable, because my work could be done by the other guys in the team :-(."

"Sorry to hear that," I reply, "but perhaps I can tell you one thing which might be of use. Ask for more redundancy money!"

W looks at me, slightly unsure of what I'm saying.

"There's always more money," I continue, "actually maybe there's not 'always more money' any more, with the credit crunch and so on, but in the past there was always more money in these situations so it doesn't hurt to ask :-)."

"Really?"

"Yeah, well in the old days banks always wanted to avoid scandals with disgruntled employees. They'd never put all their money on the table at the start of the redundancy process! However, success here is only down to your powers of persuasion. Make them think that you might cause trouble, even though I would strongly recommend that you don't, apart from asking for more money. The package will already be a lot more than the statutory minimum, so you'll have no grounds to demand anything. Just use all the best arguments you can as to why it's unfair, and why you need more money. Do you have a lot of financial commitments, for example, a big mortgage or anything?"

"Not a big one, but I've also got a few buy to let properties which could cause me a few problems if I can't rent them out to cover the mortgage payments. What about you anyway, is your job safe?"

"No, of course not!" I reply, playing down my own situation, "who knows what's going to happen ..."

"But you don't have a mortgage do you?"

"Actually I do now! I've split up with my partner, so I took out a mortgage on my house so that I could buy him somewhere to live."

I suddenly realise that I'd never said anything to W which would indicate that I'm gay, except for the sentence that I'd just uttered! I catch his eye briefly and I can tell that he noticed.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" I ask.

"Um, errr, well ... actually ..." he says, trying to find the words, "I guess I’m errr ... in a similar situation to y-you."

I'd always knew that W wasn't married, and that he didn't seem to have a girlfriend. But he doesn't seem very comfortable admitting the truth to me.

"I always thought that you could be gay :-)," I laugh, trying to put him at ease.

"Really," he says, "how come? D-did I give myself away??"

"Only by never talking about your private life," I say, "and because I don't really believe in asexuals these days, you had to be either a closet gay guy or a frustrated heterosexual! So let me ask the relevant question then, do you have a boyfriend?"

"Errr yes actually," replies W, starting to relax a bit, "a young polish guy that I met a few years ago. How old was your boyfriend by the way?"

"Just a couple of years younger than me. Why do you ask?"

"The guys that used to work for you all assumed that you were rich enough to have a cute young trophy boyfriend!" he says smiling now, "but in fact I guess it's my boyfriend who could be put in that category! He was only 20 years old when I met him a few years ago, so he's quite a bit younger than me. I suppose I'm a cradle snatcher!!"

"That's not at all my style!" I say, laughing at the thought of their discussions, "but why didn't you let any of us know about your situation, not even me?"

"Well," replies W weakly, "I guess I didn't want anyone to think that you hired me because we were both gay, or anything."

The poor guy doesn't seem very comfortable admitting his sexuality, even to me, so I let it go even though it's a pretty weak argument. We chat a bit more and I give him a bit more support in relation to his redundancy, and also in relation to being gay in the City. However, although he's a talented guy, I'm sure that there are lots of other talented guys who're being made redundant at the moment. So, unfortunately it may be a while before he gets to put some of that advice into practice.

A recent conversation

At the end of my holiday last month, boyfriend P stayed with me in London for a few days for the first time :-). Furthermore, while he was here, he met one of my oldest friends. Although I've met loads of his friends now, prior to that meeting he hadn't met any of mine, so even though there's a long way to go in that respect at least it was a start.

"Actually GB," says boyfriend P to me on the morning of his flight out of the UK while we're having breakfast together, "I didn't expect to like it here. I thought there'd be loads of stuff relating to ex-boyfriend S, but there isn't much."

"So might you ever come and live here with me?" I ask.

"I can imagine that, possibly, at some point," he says smiling at me, "maybe I'll come and stay for a couple of weeks, sometime next year :-)."

"Great :-)."

I think about it for a short while, and then decide to ask him a question.

"Do you think we make some kind of commitment to each other?" I offer.

"Can we? How would that work?"

"I'm not sure," I say truthfully, "but maybe we can think of something?"

"Hmmm," replies boyfriend P after a pause, "I think we should remain independent for now."

"So it's OK is it if I find another boyfriend, a guy like M for example, and we wander off into the sunset together to live happily ever after?"

"I guess," says boyfriend P smiling at me, although looking just slightly unsure.

Within an hour the taxi arrives and we're hugging each other goodbye.

"Actually I'm quite sad to be leaving," he says with the taxi waiting, and with my front door open ready for him to leave, "thanks for everything :-)."

I hug him again and wave to him as he walks towards the cab, and within a minute he's on his way.

It still seems amazing that we've build up our relationship over the years without ever having lived in the same country. But at this stage in our relationship I find boyfriend P's desire for complete independence mildly disconcerting. We've got lots of good history and shared experiences now, we're happy to introduce each other to our friends and family, so we've become big parts of each other's lives. If the relationship means anything, complete independence is surely an illusion? It makes me think that perhaps he wants another try at finding a boyfriend in the city where he lives. Which leaves me with the thought that maybe he thinks I'd be an adequate boyfriend for him, but not a good one. Even though myself and boyfriend P have just had another great holiday together, it seems that once again I still need to hunt for alternatives.

Sex positive

Last week, Close Encounters suggested a trip to the National Film Theatre to see a documentary called Sex Positive, which was showing as part of the London film festival. I hadn't seen Close Encounters since before my recent holiday, so being keen to catch up with him, I readily accepted the invitation.

The film was about a guy called Richard Berkowitz who was living in New York in the early 1980's when the Aids epidemic began. Richard was perhaps the first guy to advocate what we now call safe sex, however at the start of the epidemic it wasn't a message that most gay guys wanted to hear. According to the film, some guys felt that the freedom to have sex with other guys had been a difficult battle to win. Consequently they felt that Richard Berkowitz must have a very negative attitude towards gay sex, because he was saying that guys needed to change their sex lives if they wanted to avoid infection.

It turns out that Richard Berkowitz has quite an interesting background, because as well as being a writer he was also an S&M hustler. It seems that he was quite successful as a hustler, and had a big clientele. When a session was starting with a client, if there was something a guy told him not to do (e.g. "I don't want to get fucked") then that was the one thing that he made sure he ended up doing! On top of that he also went through a phase where he was addicted to crack cocaine. But although Richard Berkowitz is an interesting guy, the main reason that the film was made was to try and set the record straight and give Richard Berkowitz credit for delivering what was an unpopular message in the early 1980's, namely that gay guys needed to start having safe sex.

Thinking back about the film now however, one thing occurs to me. I could be wrong, but I think that Richard Berkowitz has got quite an annoying personality. He reminds me a lot of a guy that I knew when I was at university, and if this guy was wrong about something he'd never admit it, and if he was right about something he'd never let you forget it. So if Richard Berkowitz is indeed like that guy that I knew, perhaps that goes some way to explaining why people didn't want to give him the credit that he deserves!

I still have a banking job, for now ...

While I was on holiday, the financial markets have been quite 'unsettled'. The fact that the UK's banking system has now been partially nationalised seems incredible . Lots of job losses are predicted in the banking sector, on top of the job losses which have already occurred. However, for now at least, I still have my job.

A couple of days ago while walking in the street, I bump into an ex-colleague who works for one of the newly partially nationalised British banks, so I ask him how things are going:

"It was scary GB," he says, "the day our share price plummeted the dealing room went completely quiet. Everyone was scared. The clients stopped calling, apart for one or two who phoned up wanting to cancel old deals."

"So I guess you were all expecting to survive without becoming government employees!"

"Well yes," he replies, "things must have been a lot worse than we were led to believe. We've got lots of good businesses, but we've been brought down by a few bad ones and irresponsible management. Now we're all tarred by the same brush :-(. There's a lot of resentment. When it was announced that the chairman and chief executive were quitting, a huge cheer went up in the dealing room!"

But an old university friend who I met the following day, and who works for an asset management firm, was more up upbeat.

"These banking stocks are so cheap now," he tells me, "so I bought some! It'll all recover eventually :-). And if you ask me, I think the government is playing a mug's game by buying those bank preference shares. Preference shares give you all the risk but no control ..."

Hopefully this partial nationalisation of the banking system coupled with government guarantees for bank debt will be the low point of this crisis. It's a bold plan which in my opinion tackles the problem in exactly the right way. But if things go wrong now, with governments having already made their move to shore up the banking system, it's not clear that there'll be anyone left to prevent a very deep global recession.

Email from a young guy with a concern about HIV

When I woke up this morning, I lay in bed for a few minutes cuddling up to boyfriend P, but wondering what I should post on my blog today. So later when I found an email in my inbox from a reader wanting some advice, it seemed like an ideal choice. The email was as follows:

Dear GB,

I can’t quite remember how I stumbled upon your blog, however that is irrelevant, as it has been revolutionary for me. As a 19 year old closeted student I hadn't indulged in any form of intimate contact with men till a few months ago as I wasn’t 100% sure. It was your site that persuaded me to use Gaydar, and it has been so emancipating. Thank you.

After finding several people my age, amongst the waves of old men offering to bottom, I decided to meet with one guy. One thing led to another and, well, I ended up staying at his and we had a fun time. We have since met up several times and engaged in all but full blown sex. However I am fearful he is HIV positive. The reasons are:

• I have suggested anal sex several times, and he refuses to bottom as "he likes being in control" – ok that’s fair enough;
• I am happy to try bottoming and he always seems so nervous about doing so, and uses the excuse he is too tired;
• He's very slim;
• I nosed around in his medical cabinet nothing there, but he went to his studio to get medication; and was very coy about it;
• He’s asthmatic.

Since writing the above I feel somewhat pathetic coming to the conclusion I have, but I still have this underlying fear. So should I ask him, if so how? Would you still engage in oral sex if he was positive (very personal don’t worry about answering)?

Many thanks,

Doing anything in life carries some level of risk, from walking down the stairs in the morning, to participation in dangerous sports. Having sex with another guy carries a risk which lies somewhere in between those two extremes, because it's possible to pick up quite a variety of infections and diseases including HIV. These days HIV seems to be a manageable condition, however just because it isn't the assured death sentence that it was twenty five years ago doesn't mean it should be ignored. On the contrary, it's still incurable so it's important to avoid being infected if possible. For this reason, as I said a few months ago, when meeting guys for the first time I always ask about their HIV status.

Reading the reader's email, none of the reasons that he gives indicate that the guy is HIV positive. I reckon the only real suspicion arises from the fact that the guy is on medication for something that he hasn't disclosed, but of course he could be on medication for absolutely anything including his asthma if he gets it badly.

As the reader suggests, since they've now met up several times, if they're going to continue seeing each other I think it's reasonable to ask about HIV status. But the reader shouldn't make a big issue about it. Perhaps asking along the lines "By the way, I know you're taking medication for something, so I've been wondering about your HIV status … ?" would work without seeming unnecessarily intrusive.

Even if the guy thinks that he's HIV negative though, there's a possibility that he's actually HIV positive and doesn't know it. Apparently after being infected it can take up to three months for an HIV test to produce a positive result. So whatever the guy's apparent status, if the two of them start having full anal sex the reader should make sure that they always use condoms.

Regarding oral sex, although HIV transmission in that situation is much less likely than with anal sex, it's still possible especially if the guy doing the sucking has bad oral hygiene or bleeding gums. So I wouldn't advise sucking a guy who's definitely HIV positive, because I think the pre-cum of an infected guy does contain some HIV.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Asia holiday 2008 - Bali and Shanghai

Having spent a few days in Singapore, myself and boyfriend P headed to Bali in Indonesia to chill out for a few days. The following sunset pic was taken at Ku De Ta (Coup d'Etat?), which is one of Bali's best known beach barsThe following pic shows some of the rice fields that seem to occupy much of the Balinese landAfter Bali, we stayed in Shanghai for a few days. The following pic shows Shanghai's Pudong district (and co-incidentally also shows the hotel where I stayed in 2002 and had a bit of fun with a guy called H)Below shows a street in Shanghai's old town which feels very Chinese, although our guess was that none of the buildings are actually very old!The last two pics show "The Bund", which is probably the most prestigious address in the Shanghai, dating back to colonial times at the start of the 20th century. It was interesting to see that almost all the buildings on the Bund were flying the red flag of communist China!While I've been away on this holiday, the financial markets have been a bit "unsettled". So on my return to London next week, it'll be interesting to find out whether I've still got a job or not!

Email from a bi-curious guy in his 20's

About a week and a half ago the following email popped into my inbox:

Dear GB,

Long-time reader of your excellent blog, and long-time dreamer about having gay sex. I'm 26, I'm white, I'm straight (probably bi curious) but I cannot help wondering what it would be like to be with a man. I play with, and adore, dildos, and cannot wait to have my first time with a man.

I don't want this email to turn into a plead for advice, though that is exactly what I need! I've looked at Gaydar's chat sections, but although there are an absolute tonne of people there, they all seem to just be "advertising" their needs, and none of them responds. What is the best way to go about it on Gaydar? Perhaps it might be a useful post for sex-seeking people like me, new to the whole thing? Though, judging by your last post, cruising for a hot guy is exactly what you *don't* need to be doing at the moment!

Anyway, GB, I find your blog a revelation. You're clearly educated and write very well, and long may it continue. My only wish? That you'd go into a little more detail about your encounters. We want to read whether you were top, bottom, how it went and so on! And I think you'd doubtlessly be turned on writing it...

All the best, XXX

Honestly, I don't know, isn't a guy allowed to have a few secrets, especially when it comes to the bedroom? Why do people always want to know all the intimate details about exactly who did what to whom? I can actually remember writing my first ever post, and in the original draft there were the kind of details that this reader is interested in. However when I read it prior to posting, I thought that it all sounded very cheap, so sitting in the BA lounge at Singapore's Changi airport back in Feb-05 I made the decision to try and elevate my blog-to-be above such smuttiness! I edited out all the unnecessary details, and before boarding my flight back to the UK I pressed the button to publish my first post. I've never looked back :-).

But the question about how best to use online cruising web sites like gaydar is a good one :-). Both gaydar and gay.com (recently revamped) have chat rooms in which there's two ways of communicating. There's the Open Channel, where everyone in the room can see what everyone else says, but there's also private conversations between two guys where only the guys involved can see what's being said. So people advertise what they're looking for on the Open Channel, hoping to attract a private conversation from a guy who's interested.

So what's the best way of finding a guy for a few activities? The first thing to do is to create your profile. Most of important of all, try and include some kind of photo. These days there seems to be more openness than there used to be, with more guys showing pics which include their face, however I myself still don't have a face pic on my gaydar profile. But any pic is better than no pic. Some guys will show pics of their equipment, although I always think that that makes them look very crude and one-dimensional. I think leaving some things to the other guy's imagination works better, but putting up a pic in swimming trunks for example is a nice compromise :-). Note that guys who want maximum privacy can make their profile 'private' which means that it gets excluded from all searches. That means it's highly unlikely that anyone would find the profile by accident if the profile owner isn't logged in.

Having got one's pic, the next thing is to fill out the rest of the profile. On gaydar there are two main sections to write, one where you say something about yourself, and another where you say what kind of guy you'd like to find. Some guys just write things like "Ask me" in these sections which doesn't give a good impression, after all, do you want to go to bed with a lazy guy? However, although you should write something I would suggest keeping it short, because guys who write long essays here always give me the impression of being high maintenance and self-centered. There are other sections to fill out too, again put something there, but I don't see the point of saying too much. Looking at other guy's profiles on gaydar is a good way of getting an idea of what works.

Before entering the chat system, I would suggest using the GPS (Gaydar Positioning Service!!). With GPS, you enter your full postcode or zip code of where you are, and then when you're looking at profiles of other guys who've done the same you can both see how far away you are from each other. Guys who are new to online gay cruising may be suspicions of this, because they'll probably be keen to avoid been identified on the system, but no other users will ever see your postcode and it's hugely useful. I'm certainly more likely to start chatting to someone if I can see that they're not too many miles from where I am.

Although I think the chat system is best, gaydar also has the online message system which operates outside the chat system. These messages can be sent to users who're not even logged in, and they'll pick them up the next time they log in. Some users will use the search facilities and then send these online messages to guys that they like the look of, instead of using the chat system. One advantage of these messages is that one can tell whether the guy at the other end has read them, because one can ask to be notified when the other guy receives the message. A problem with the chat system is that one can't tell whether the guy is there or not, because he may have left himself logged in and gone out.

In the chat system itself, before actually entering a chat room one can enter a short bio line, which one does from the main chat window. Although this is optional, I think it's a good idea to say something, even if it's only "feeling horny"! One useful thing to do is to say where you are, e.g. "Chelsea", although guys will often give an impression of what they're after, e.g. "Chelsea top 4 bttm". Saying something useful here helps to save time and cuts down on wasted conversations. You'll still sometimes see things like "pvt ok" at the end of this bio line, meaning that the guy doesn't mind being sent private messages. Before gaydar existed, I recall that that was a very common thing to say on your bio line in the original gay.com chat rooms, but these days I think everyone assumes that private messages are OK unless the bio line says otherwise. Some guys will say "please read profile before pvt" which seems fair enough.

If you've got a reasonable profile with a pic, if you've entered your postcode into GPS, and if you've got a sensible bio line, then if you go into a busy chat room other guys will probably contact you. There's also nothing to stop you contacting other guys yourself, if you like the look of their profile. You can also put a brief advert onto the Open Channel, but doing that works best if you've only just entered the chat room. The reason for that is that one of the long standing problems with the system is that if you see a message from a guy on the Open Channel and you're interested in it, it can be hard to find the guy in the list of chat room users to start a private conversation with him. But because lots of guys are monitoring the new guys that are entering the room whose names are all listed at the bottom of the list, the thing to do is to exit the chat room, then re-enter and immediately put your advert onto the Open Channel so that you'll be easy to find.

Lastly, a warning and a request. Many guys are incredibly rude when cruising online. They'll ignore you, just stop talking to you for no apparent reason even if things seemed to be going well, they'll be self-centered so they'll just ask loads of questions without any thought that you may need similar questions answered, and so on. So the request is for a bit of politeness, because it doesn't cost anything. If you're focusing on a conversation with one guy, it doesn't take long to reply "soz m8 busy at mom" if you get sent a message from a different guy. And if you don't like the look of a guy for whatever reason, "soz m8 but ur not my type" or even "soz m8 but ur not what I'm looking for at mom" is sufficiently polite and will be appreciated at the other end, because the guy won't then waste his time waiting for you to reply.

Do any other readers have any thoughts on the best way to use online cruising web sites?