Cougar Country Ain't No Joke

From Page Six:

METS hottieDavid Wright is a charitable guy, but at his annual fund-raiser the other night, he was the one in need of some help. A spy at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square for his "Do the Wright Thing" event watched in shock as Wright was "mobbed by a swarm of trashy-looking cougars. Middle-age women with bad '80s hair were practically pushing down little kids who were trying to get baseballs signed." Wright was overheard pleading, "Ladies, calm down! Please, relax."

A-Rod probably got upset at missing out on the cougars but quickly realized they were too young for him.

Phil Jackson Is An Evil Genius

So let me get this straight because I'm a bit confused. Shaq never had any problems with Kobe. That whole feud was made up like a wrestling feud. According to him, Phil is the Vince McMahon of the NBA.

"I think it was all designed by Phil," he said. "Because, if you think about it, Phil never called us into the office and said, `Both of you, shut the (heck) up.' Never did that in four years. He knew that when I read something, I was going to get upset. And he knew Kobe was going to always come out and play hard.

Phil was the one who told Kobe to sell Shaq out to the police in Colorado? The Kobe-Shaq feud was created to motivate the team? That's some evil genius shit right there. He might as well sit on the bench petting a white cat while throwing Chris Mihm out on the floor and laughing to himself.

Big Aristotle must think no one was paying attention to his last season with the Lakers or his first season with the Heat. Let's run down the list of Kobe disses with a bit of help from Shaq Quotes.

“My personal opinion is, how, if you never hung out with somebody, do you know them so well? I never hung out with that dude because the dude is a weirdo.”

“Let’s put it in old movie Mafia terms. There are guys that are in position to get by but they didn’t wait their turn. They back-doored the top guy to get the power. For example, Sonny Corleone went up there, and he wanted to be the top guy. And the Godfather said, ‘You know what dude, I’m a star.’ That’s what I’m doing now, and that’s what I was trying to do with what’s-his-name.”

“I’m not the one buying love. He’s the one buying love.” (On a ring – reportedly costing several million dollars – that Kobe Bryant bought for his wife, Vanessa, after he was charged with felony sexual assault.)

ESPN: Do you ever see the day where it would be possible for you to sit down, have a talk with Kobe Bryant?
SHAQ: Who?
ESPN: Kobe Bryant.
SHAQ: You know what I am not familiar with that name, I know a lot of names and I have a lot of names in my head, but I am not familiar with that name. Especially if there is nothing to talk about, I’m sorry I can’t recall that name.

“Kobe always tried to be a hero. But you know, as the saying goes, a hero ain’t nothing but a sandwich.”

Nah, no beef here. Shaq's revisionism puts my freshman PASCAL professor to shame. Did I mention that he was a Holocaust denier? Seriously he was.

"Now that I look back on it, that (stuff) was kind of fun," he said. "It really was. It was kind of fun. `What did he say, what did he say?' I tell people if we would have had a reality show, we'd have had the No. 1 reality show in the world.

"It was fun. It was actually fun. (Assistant coach Brian) Shaw would be, `Oh, man, why did you say that?' And then Karl (Malone) would be like, `Yo, that was (messed) up what you said,' then we'd try to outdo each other in the game.

Too bad no one told Kobe he was in on the joke.

This has to be a joke. The Roots are rumored to be the house band for Jimmy Fallon. Professor Griff is rolling in his grave. He's dead, right?

Mr. Slinky: Wrong For You, Wrong For Cleveland

Mr. Slinky is disturbing yet I can't take my eyes off of him. We were trying to figure out Mr. Slinky's true identity. My money's on Tarence Kinsey. He might as well make himself useful since he's not doing anything on the court. I secretly hope it's Brad Daugherty.

How About A Nice Warm Glass Of STFU?

I saw Back to School and Jeremy Trueblood is no Rodney Dangerfield. However it's easy to see why he can't get no respect. You know it's bad when the refs treat you like like your name is Stan.

An interesting sidenote from the Bucs-Vikings game this past weekend. While protesting a penalty call, Trueblood got a little more than he expected from the ref.

RT Jeremy Trueblood thought he was justified in leveling LB Chad Greenway during a scrape in the first quarter, even though Trueblood was called for a 15-yard unnecessary roughness penalty. "They hadn't blown the whistle yet, and they were stripping the ball away from (Warrick Dunn)," Trueblood said. "So, I go knock the guy down. I asked the (official), 'How do I know that if the ball flies out, you're not going to call a fumble because there was no whistle.' He looked at me and said, 'I know I was a little late on the whistle. I'm working on it.' I told him, 'I hope you know you just killed our drive.' He told me to, 'Shut the (expletive) up.' Are (officials) allowed to talk to players like that?"

They're allowed to do way more than that. Ask a Steelers fan. What's come over NFL referees this season? Robbing teams of wins. Telling players to shut the fuck up. The zebras are getting a bit gangsta. If Trueblood isn't careful, he may end up with a game check fine for questioning the integrity of referees and a horse head in his bed.

Notre Dame And Charlie Weis Deserve Each Other More Than Ever

Don't act like a small (or large) part of you didn't smile or nod with approval when Charlie Weis was dropped like a sack of potatoes during the Michigan-Notre Dame game. Let's relive one of the few Michigan highlights from their wonderfully expensive failure of a season.



Perhaps some of you simply enjoy seeing horrific injuries and people in pain. Most of you probably harbor some sense that Weis is a douchebag and he had it coming. Everyone's a big winner today. It's official. He excels at being an asshole.

When [Jeannette Coach Ray] Reitz told Weis that [Terrelle] Pryor might attend a USC quarterbacks camp, he remembers Weis replying: "Why send him there? If he's with me for one day he'll be good, two days he'll be great and three days he'll be incredible."

Later, unprompted, Weis asked the Jeannette coaches if they wanted to take a picture of his Super Bowl ring. "I did it, just to be polite, and then gave [the picture] to one of the kids," Reitz recalled.

..."Here's the best part," Reitz recalled. "He says to Terrelle: 'Call me tomorrow at 6. I'll be watching where Brady Quinn gets drafted.' "

Pryor never called. He chose Ohio State.

Weis is so good at being a jackass that former players and alums remember Gerry Faust with fondness when compared to him because "he was a nice guy".

Weis celebrated barely beating Navy on Saturday as though he won the Fiesta Bowl. Congratulations on making a bowl. If that's all Notre Dame wanted, mission accomplished. As pointed out by Teddy Greenstein and numerous others, Weis' best season was with Tyrone Willingham's players and their records are comparable. His players are nothing special and there's no reason to think there will be significant improvement next season.

Notre Dame has no one to blame but itself for the sham that is the Charlie Weis era so far. He received an absurd contract extension without the results to back it up. It couldn't wait to bend over for him and now it would look stupid canning him especially after George O'Leary and Willingham who most agree was given the shaft. Make no mistake. The school isn't getting rid of Weis due to the contract despite what they say. Let's not even talk about the money they would owe him.

Notre Dame fell for the three Super Bowl ring monte and Terrelle Pryor didn't. That tells you everything you need to know about Notre Dame football. At this rate, even hoodlums and thugs wouldn't play for Weis. So far his tenure is failure for a program as storied as Notre Dame and it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person.

Yes we can? No you can't. Fail.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does Play In Philadelphia

Has it come to this? Donovan McNabb is proving Bernard "The Executioner"Hopkins right. It was only last week that Bernard Hopkins called out McNabb for being weak and "crumbling under pressure".

"Some people are athletes, still good, but don’t have that extra ‘I’m willing to sacrifice my life. I’m willing to sacrifice what I have to sacrifice to win.’ … People never forgot when things happen, they see a guy crumble under pressure. Whether they throw up on the highway, whether they throw up on the court, whether they throw up on the football field, when people see that, that sticks in the back of their mind."

Hopkins continued: "Every athlete should have that killer instinct in him, especially if you the quarterback… If he’s not right here and here [pointing to heart and head], and don’t want it, the team feel the vibes…"

McNabb didn't do himself any favors yesterday leading the Eagles to a tie against the Bengals with four interceptions. The topper came in the postgame press conference when he admitted that he didn't know ties were possible in the NFL.



Talk about not being right in the head. How could McNabb not know that games can end in ties? How long has he been in the league? How could he not know the rules? Let's put his lack of knowledge about the basic rules aside for a moment. It's not like anyone else on the Eagles knew what time it was.

"To be honest, I didn't know there wasn't going to be another overtime," [safety Quintin] Mikell said. "I didn't know it was going to be a tie. I was kind of happy. I thought we were going to get another overtime. After I realized it was a tie, I was pretty ticked off. I felt we should have come in and won this game. That's a team we should have beat. We didn't come out ready to play, all across the board, so it's a loss to me."

What does Herm say? "You play to win the game!" Does this mean Andy Reid didn't know the game could end in a tie as well? Were the Eagles playing for another overtime period instead of the win since they didn't realize the game was going to end? If so, add today's debacle to the list of donkey moves along with the goalline disaster at the end of the Bears game several weeks ago.

Once again, Reid's decision making and McNabb's execution have to be called into question. They can still make the playoffs but they won't go anywhere if they do. It may be time to break up the band after the season. The Eagles have only shown excellence in consistent mediocrity during the Reid/McNabb run. I shouldn't sell them short. They are excellent dick teases. They show a little skin at the beginning of the season and get Philly fans excited. However the fans get in the pants and find out they're in shemale country again just like last year. How long can this continue before the city cries "uncle"? In the words of Emmitt, the Eagles fans were debacled by their own team once again. Unfortunately it won't be the last time.


Thanks to PFT for the video.

"Hot water burn baby!" Kerry Collins can't stop listening to Good Time by Alan Jackson.

"Literally, it's been playing over and over and over in my car," he said. "I have every word of every song memorized. Sometimes I have to turn it down. As much as I like it, I can't stop."

When the music ends and his six-disc player moves on to the next selection, Collins switches it back to Jackson.

He started listening to it before the winning streak and hasn't stopped. I bet he wears his football helmet and chomps on a cigar while driving to and from work. I am 'tary.

The Raiders Should Be Very Interested In Shane Morales

Shane Morales, Orgeon State's "best possession receiver" (Palin shoutout to TO and Keyshawn), won't be playing this weekend against Cal due to an injured hip. He injured the hip during a goalpost dunking contest.

Morales was not thrilled to be cornered by media. He said it wasn't exactly a dunking "contest.'' ... "I think it was just me against the goalpost, and the goalpost won,'' he said.

He said it was something he "does all the time.'' Except the other times, he didn't injure himself. "I didn't think it was that bad (at first),'' said Morales. "It just hurt.''

I remember when I was applying to schools. I called the University of Oregon with a question. The receptionist answered the phone and said, "University of Oregon. Quack, quack!" I hung up and crossed Orgeon off my list. Oh wait, Morales goes Oregon State. Never mind.

Morales sounds like someone Al Davis would want on his team. "Willing to go up against immovable objects? That's moxy, Cable! See? Sounds like a player we should have, see. If he has a haircut I can set my watch to, let's move up in the draft and get this Morales kid, Cable. That reminds me. Did I ever tell you about spending time with Francisco Franco? Now there's a guy you could trust. Facists are men of their word, see. Not like that bastard Kiffin."

Hoosier daddy? Indiana University is better than you. They heart segregationists and black people at the same time.

Michael Vick's Dogs Profit From Puppy Torture

It's never pleasant whenever victims of heinous crimes decide to profit off their pain to increase their 15 minutes of fame. Most end up on daytime talk shows or Nancy Grace. Others appear on wine bottles. Just look at the former residents of Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennels.

Dogs rescued from the evil grasp of Michael Vick are appearing on wine bottles of the Vicktory Dogs Wine Collection.

Each bottle includes a portrait of one of the dogs on the label. On the back, instead of a description of the wine, there’s a brief story about each four-legged friend.

... Artist Cyrus Mejia, one of the founders of Best Friends, began painting the dogs after they arrived at the sanctuary. Gone in the portraits are any signs of snarling beasts fit for a fight ring. Instead, there are cocked heads, soulful eyes and floppy ears.

“I think he’s been able to capture the real personalities of each of the dogs,” said John Polis, a Best Friends [Animal Sanctuary] spokesman.

There's a whole lot of talk about mental rehabilitation of the dogs but what good does it do to encourage unstable killing machines to start drinking? Let's see those winning personalities after one or two bowls of wine. No good will come of this. You have been warned.

10% of each sale goes to the animal sanctuary. Matt Hahn of Carnivitas Winery which produces the wine said the goal was "to show the dogs in a positive light" and hopes it encourages people to talk about dogs and protecting animals. It's more likely that they'll look for more sauce or get it on doggy style after one or two bottles of the stuff.

There's no word on whether the wines will be sold at The Tasting Room. Shouldn't these dogs be grateful to Vick in some way? They would be nowhere without him. Just some no name dogs attacking small children, the elderly and mail carriers in somewhere in southern VA. It could have been worse. They could have belonged to Marcus Vick.

What? Now I'm the asshole? You're probably right.

We're too lazy to put it better than the Shanghaiist. The Glove didn't fit. Gary Payton almost went to China. Everyone wants to follow in the footsteps of God Shammgod.

I Can Finally Come Out Of The Douche Rock Closet

The weight of my secret has been weighing me down for years. Today has been a release I haven't known since ... well there's no need to get into my masturbatory habits while blogging in my parents' basement. Not that I do that. I'm trying to avoid concentrated evil and blindness.

Last week was incredible for everyone especially people of the chocolate persuasion. You might have missed it if you weren't paying attention. Shame on Barry Hussein for stealing the spotlight from two unsung heroes. Carmelo Anthony and LeBron James stood up and showed the world that it's acceptable for black people to like Barry Manilow.

James said Jay-Z is almost always his choice before taking the floor, but he has diverse musical taste and enjoys R&B and alternative rock.

... James was then informed that Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony, his longtime friend and U.S. Olympic teammate, admitted last year that he had Barry Manilow's music on his iPod.

"I probably got a little of that," James said. "I bet you I can find it on my iPod."

Sure enough, Bron Bron found "Copacabana," "Mandy" and "I Am Your Child".

Feel free to proclaim your love of Air Supply, Neil Diamond and Christopher Cross, black people. I sold myself out with the England Dan and John Ford Coley reference in the last post. Yacht Rock is my jam. Yeah, that's right. I have the Easy Rock 2-CD compilation and I rock that along with the Little Brother, H-Town and Cash Money. Conscious and positive is how I roll. Fat Luther is also special to me.

I remember the shame I felt when friends saw Air Supply on my iPod. I quickly went to some militant shit like Paris. No mas. I ain't scared of you muthafuckas no more! I got Bron Bron and 'Melo standing with me. Actually I take back everything. I would never listen to any of that "soft-ass shit" like the Rocket Man from The Rock. Please. Anyway, everyone knows there aren't any black sports bloggers out there so this exercise is pointless. Please believe me! (Language NSFW)

Guess who's not paying their lawyers? Ah the hell with it. Pacman's lawyers have Pacman fever but not in a good way.

Shane Battier Loves His Technology

Is it much of a suprise that Shane Battier loves gadgets? Check out this Digital Cribs show where Shane goes through all the techno-knick-knacks he's got around his house. You know you are jealous. This is all done for the Digital Cribs "Heaven or Hell" contest put on by Cisco where you record a video of your own digital crib for a chance to win $10,000. Grab a camera and give it a shot, b/c who doesn't want to win? Also, check back on the Deuce b/c with any luck, we'll have a nice interview with Shane to post in the upcoming weeks. Holla!

We've Tried Nothing And We're All Out Of Ideas

It's official this time. Hollywood really is out of ideas. Will Smith's kid is starring in a remake of the Karate Kid and now Ridley Scott is directing a movie based on Monopoly. Yes, we're talking about the board game.

Ridley Scott is officially attached to direct the Hasbro-Universal collaboration, with an eye toward giving it a futuristic sheen along the lines of his iconic "Blade Runner." Screenwriter Pamela Pettler ("Corpse Bride," "Monster House") will shape a narrative out of the iconic real estate game.

This has to be a joke. What story could come out of this board game that would be worth watching for two hours? Now if we're talking about The Revenge of Uno: Draw Two, I would be interested. Very interested. Apparently the Wild Card scene is amazing. Joe Penny takes over that scene and makes it his. We're talking borderline NC-17 material shot Zapruder-style. The England Dan and John Ford Coley soundtrack is the shit.

If Hollywood is going to start using board games for inspiration, why not go with Hungry Hungry Hippos? One could go with CGI hippos but why not use real people? Why not use hungry hungry humans like Zack Randolph and Eddy Curry? Add former NBA legends like Charles Barkley, John "Hot Plate" Williams and Oliver Miller and boom. NBA crossover potential. Make it futuristic like Blade Runner or The Running Man. A cross between the board game and Tron. Who cares? It doesn't matter what it's about as long as they're fighting over food for our entertainment.

Shaq Now Free To Stalk

Alexis Miller, an aspiring Atlanta rapper known as Maryjane, who had a restraining order out on Shaquille O'Neil for stalking and threatening bodily harm has withdrawn said order.  She requested the order due to what she said were threatening phone calls and emails that Shaq sent to her, one of which was quoted in legal documents:

“I dnt no who the [expletive] u think u dealin wit u will neva be heard from one phone call is I gotta make now try me. Sho me.”

Yea, gettin close to Elijah Dukes territory with that if it was Shaq daddy there. Anyway, its not certain whether or not there was a settlement or if Miller just had a change of heart...but really, which is more likely, huh?  A little cash goes a long way my friends.

Shaq...how does her ass taste?

From Atlanta Journal Constitution