What Happened to Glenn Noland?

Dear Ms McHugh,

Please let me introduce myself, my name is Stephen and I am a 3 and a half year old poodle golden retrieve cross. As a dog I have been finding it difficult to find gainful employment. Which is why I was so excited when Mr. Noland contacted me about the Financial Services Representative position.

It was refreshing that Mr. Noland was able to get past the fact that I am a dog and see my true potential. I happen to agree with Mr. Noland’s belief that I would be a great fit at your organization.

Glenn is certainly a man who can spot talent. In addition to what is on my resume I recently ran a successful election campaign to capture throw away votes, nationwide . I managed to get over 714 votes and even managed to almost win a selectman’s seat in Baxter Iowa. I was barely nudged out by Mr. Yelp.

I have contacted Mr. Noland several times about setting up my interview and have yet to receive a response. I know he is a very important man but I also know that he has integrity and would not ignore my emails unless something was terribly wrong.

Please let tell me what is wrong with Glenn. Glenn was one of the first people to recognize my potential and treat my like a human. Glenn never got caught up on the fact that I am a dog. In the short time that I have know Glenn I feel that he has been like a mentor to me. True we have only exchanged a few emails but I know Glenn has been rooting for me to become a member of the team.

Most people just pat me on the head and tell me to go on my way but Glenn offered me the chance to come in and interview. Since I have not heard from Glenn I can only assume the worst. While I am deeply saddened by this I feel that in order to honor Glenn’s memory I need to continue my personal journey and come in for the interview. I would like to fulfill Glenn’s vision and become a Financial Services Representative. This is the best way I can thing of to honor such a great man.


Currently my schedule is pretty flexible I have doggie daycare on Wednesday’s but outside of that I don’t have any firm commitments. Please let me know when you can fit me into your schedule. I would love to discuss the Financial Service Representative position with you as well as share some of my memories of Glenn.


I look forward to meeting you.
Sincerely,


Stephen

The Election is over Thanks Baxter Iowa

Well the election is over so now I guess I can focus on some of my other projects. I would personally like to thank everyone who voted for me. For those of you who think you vote for me was not noticed well it definitely was. I managed to get 714 votes nationwide.

Yup 714 people actually wrote in Stephen TheDog. I wish I could thank each and everyone of you but unfortunately I can’t. Please know that I do appreciate you votes. I would especially like to thank the people of Baxter Iowa. I actually almost won a selectman’s see in Baxter. I lost out to Mr. John Yelp by only 200 votes.

While I wish Mr. Yelp the best of luck I hope he keeps in mind that an out of state dog managed to get a full 1% of the vote. I hope he works harder in office than he did during his campaign. Had I been able to make a trip to Baxter IA I am sure I would have been able to pull off the win. Not that I really want to be a selectman in rural Iowa. No offense I love the country but I doubt I could convince my A to move to Iowa.

I need to get back to work on my projects. I came up with a great idea to improve the tater tot which I need to get going on. While I seem to have run into a brick wall with the DSBN project I have not given up hope yet. I just need to get in touch with the right person at Nabisco. I am starting to think I might need to go all the way to the top and send Charles Harper a letter. Lets hope he is a visionary CEO and not one of those executives who lack vision.

Personally in most of these product development endeavors I see myself as a guide dog for those who lack vision. I would like to become the Seeing Eye Dog of Corporate America (SEDCA). In this role I would work to bring new products to life and help these people realize that there is more to being successful than figuring out that if you put one less olive in the jar you are saving money.

Fry Sauce protest retraction

Dear Mr. Drew,

I wish to apologize for my comments on your recent Fry Sauce contest. I wrongly assumed that I had been discriminated against. As you well know I am a dog and on top of that I am black. I have come to realize that as much as I want it to the world will never treat me fairly.

I can not get a job at McDonalds even though I am qualified. I have had instances where I have been pretty much given a job and when they realize I am a dog they will no longer even respond to me. That is right Mr. Noland I know you are anti-dog. It is a sad sad thing because I would have been a great financial services rep.

Unfortunately there is no NAACP equivalent for dogs. In fact there are no laws to prevent discrimination against dogs. It is a very unfortunate situation as it tends to make me overly sensitive when I feel I am being discriminated against. In the case of your contest I realize I violated the rules by specifying catsup instead of Ketchup. This was an oversight on my part but it does violate the rules of your contest and I can understand you disqualifying my entry. I certainly do not want to impugn the integrity of you contest so I will be forgoing my plans to file a protest.

I am truly sorry for my accusation, please realize my reaction had nothing to do with you. When you realize that society is structured in such a way as to prevent you from succeeding you tend make quick judgements. Do you realize I am not even allowed in 90% of the buildings in America! I am denied from entering some wildlife refuges because I might scare the animals. I don’t know about you but I know of a bunch of humans who are way more scary than me.


Perhaps together we can work for change. I will willing to extend and olive branch. The branch is slightly chewed. Since I was in the wrong here I am even willing to go the extra mile if you want to throw the olive branch I will be willing to fetch it.

Well good luck with you contest and I look forward to entering you next one.


Yours Truly

Stephen TheDog

Get out and VOTE!

Well tomorrow is that day we have all been waiting for, we get to find out who our next president will be woo hoo. I am not going to tell you who to vote for or even discuss the issues involved. Those are all things you need to do for yourself but if you can’t figure out it write in Stephen TheDog.

No matter what happens we are stuck with it. Once the election is over I can get back to my other projects. Apparently the DSNB project is not getting any traction at Nabisco and I also need to look Drew’s Fry Sauce contest. I may have been unfairly barred for the contest.

I have yet to file and official protest and since I like Drew I may refrain but he needs to know he is walking a very fine line. Obviously I need to get all my facts strait but I do have a source on the judging panel who has agreed to speak to me off the record. I hope to get this all resolved soon.

It has been a long day and I need to get back to my nap.

Well get out there and vote. A vote for Stephen TheDog is a vote for America.

I entered Drew's Unlitimate Fry Sauce Contest

Well election day is coming I have been campaigning hard and I hope I can count on your vote. As you know by now a vote for Stephen TheDog is a vote for America.

As you may or may not know my pal Drew is running a contest to find the ultimate fry sauce. I tend to like to annoy I mean support Drew in his contest efforts and for this reason I will be entering Drew’s Ultimate Fry Sauce Recipe Contest
Drew’s Ultimate Fry Sauce Recipe Contest. or UFSRC for short.

I think I have a pretty good shot at actually winning this thing. As a dog I tend to eat a lot of weird stuff. Recently I have been eating the pumpkins my R put out on the front steps for me. While there are pretty good I don’t think I want to be known as Stephen Stephen pumkin eater. I just don’t like pumpkins that much.

Last Tuesday night I ate and entire bag of Halls defense vitamin C drops including the wrappers. I figured it is cold and flu season and with the election coming up I need to do everything I can to stay health. Once you get through about 15 your tongue goes numb which is really kind of cool actually. You should try drinking water from a bowl on the floor with a numb tongue sometime it is awesome.

Since I have been experience a ton of unique flavors (don’t worry I have never eaten my own poop unlike some dogs I know) I figure people will love my Fry Sauce Recipe. I don’t really get to eat a lot of fries but when I do get them I always use Stephen’s Super Secret Fry Sauce. Unlike Duke of Bushes baked beans I am not trying to sell this recipe I am giving it away as a gift to the world.

Well Here we go

Stephen’s Super Secret Fry Sauce Recipe SSSFSR

Ingredients:
1 gallon Hellman’s mayo
2.9 Quarts Heinz Catsup (not Ketchup)
1 TSP Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 Spanish Red Onion
1 Green Chillie
1 Blue Halls Vapor Action Cough Drop (not sugar free)
¼ Cupper Coarse black pepper
¼ Keltic Sea Salt


Roast onion in oven at 325 for 15mins.

Place onion and Mayo in a large bucket and let sit for 20 min. Make sure the onion is still hot when you add the mayo.

Add diced Green Chilli and mix 100 strokes with a wooden spoon coated in olive oil


Slowly add Catsup (making sure you not using Ketchup)

Sprinkle in Salt and Pepper

Stir 100 more strokes with wooden spoon (This allows the onion flavor to permeate into the Sauce)

Heat mixture to 135 degrees and hold temperature constant for 3 hours

After 3 hours add the Halls Blue Cough drops to the bottom of the mixture increase temperature to 150 degrees and allow the vapor action to work for an hour

Remove for heat stir 500 strokes and serve immediately. Quantities not used can be stored in zip-lock bags and distributed to friends.

Recipe makes 100 servings. Which is a lot of sauce but well worth it.

Response to nabisco

Dear Kim,

Thanks so much for responding to my inquiry about creating double stuff Nutter Butter’s. I realize that you have an “unsolicited ideas” policy in place which allows you to take in some outside ideas. In reading your response I did not get a feeling that you were onboard with the double Stuff Nutter Butters.

This is a phenomenal idea and needs to be brought to fruition. Once the 2008 election is over I am going to focus all my energies on bringing the double stuff nutter butter to the world. This is an idea I truly believe in and I am willing to do whatever it take to make it a reality. As much as I don’t want to live in a world without love I would also prefer not to live in a world without double stuff nutter butters (DSNB).

That being said I am offering my services to Nabisco as either a consultant or a full-time employee. I don’t want anything more that the opportunity to bring the world DSNBs. I know I will never match the contributions of Jonus Salk or Edward Teller but I would be content with my legacy being the DSNB.

Feel free to adopt the acronym on the packaging. I feel the term DSNB has street cred which will go a long way toward increasing the demographic of your consumers. As you probably well know the Peanut butter segment of the cookie market is under served and full of a lot of crappy products. The DSNB will not only fill this niche but is an easy product line expansion for Nabisco. I am happy to head up this effort. All you need to do it tell me where my office is and when I can meet my team.

Please also enter the DSNB team into the Nabisco corporate softball league. As you can imagine the DSNB team will be a bunch of go getters and I feel there is nothing more important than team building. One of my first missions on the DSNB team after explaining why there is a dog in charge of the project will be to develop a strong sense of team unity. I want these people to be as passionate about the team and DSNBs and I am.

I am attaching my resume as a formality. Please let me know when you have made the necessary arrangements for my arrival.

Thanks


Stephen TheDog
Project Manager DSNB line
stephenthedog@nabisco.com




/***********************************************************************************
Original response from Nabisco









Hi Stephen,


Thank you for visiting http://www.nabiscoworld.com/.

I appreciate you taking the time to let us know how much you enjoyed NUTTER BUTTER
Peanut Butter Sandwich Cookies. We take great pride in providing high quality
products that are convenient, taste good, and add nutritional value.

I also wanted to take a moment to address the idea you shared with us. As you might
know, we have a new "unsolicited ideas" policy that allows Kraft to consider some
types of ideas (mainly for new products and packaging innovations) submitted by
consumers. However, our policy does not cover unsolicited ideas regarding: product
line extensions, packaging changes, advertising, promotions and recipes ideas.

So, those types of ideas are not sent along to our new "Innovations Team," who is
responsible for analyzing unsolicited ideas under our new policy.

But, we do want you to know that comments shared by our consumers can be very
helpful to Kraft. Various Kraft teams do review comments such as yours, which help
us identify consumer trends, preferences and needs.

Again, we appreciate you contacting us and applaud both your creativity and loyalty.

If you haven’t done so already, please add our site to your favorites and visit us
again soon!

Kim McMiller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

~~TLXEA_18156034~~N

Letter to Nabisco

Dear Nabisco,

My name is Stephen and I am a 3 year old Golden Retriever poodle cross. Some people refer to my kind as a goldendoodle but I prefer to refer to myself as a GRPC. I am sure you guys get a ton of letters but I am sure you have never received one from a dog who is running for office. That is right I am running for all office in the 2008 election. I don’t want to bore you but feel free to check out my website if you would like more information on my 2008 campaign. http://stephenthedog.blogspot.com/2008/08/stephen-dog-declares-for-2008.html

I am sure that you are finding all of this fascinating but I sense I am losing your attention. Yeah I know you have lost the initial thrill of having opening a letter from a GRPC and your eyes are starting to glaze over. Well please stay with me for a moment because I have an idea that is going to change you life and I am going to share it with you for free.

I often come up with great ideas and I try to market them, you see as a dog it is difficult to develop a steady stream of income. I used to work for Ted Murphy writing ad copy for Goth dating sites but that business has sort of dried up. I guess if your Goth dating site works too well eventually you match up all the Goths and they no longer need dating sites. I bet you guys are glad you are in the food industry everyone needs food. While it is rewarding to help people dressed in black find true love I would imagine feeding the world is much more rewarding.

My A ,that is the guy that lets me outside and feeds me, loves you NutterButter cookies. I can’t blame him while I have never had the opportunity to sample then they smell so good. It is also genius that you made them look like peanuts that way people get a visual impression of what they are going to taste like. Someday I will get an opportunity to taste these great cookies. The problem I am having is my A tends to eat then so quickly I hardly get a chance. He will sit down with a glass of milk and 10 cookies and eat then all in about 15 mins. He never even drops one the guy has some serious cookie organization skills to be able to keep track of 10 cookies all at once. Perhaps you could send me my own box to sample. I would provide you with my A’s amex number but unfortunately the number got stolen yesterday so I have to wait till he gets a new card.

So now that we have established that Nutter Butters rock. It is time for my idea. While these cookies are pretty close to perfection I would recommend that you offer double stuff NutterButters. This has worked well for the Oreo and I think it would be great for the NutterButter as well.

Is there a rivalry between the Oreo and NutterButter teams? I bet everyone at Nabisco gets along pretty well. Do you have a corporate basketball league? I bet if you did you would play Oreos’ vs NutterButters. I would want to be on the NutterButter team. While the Oreo has better market penetration what with the cookies and crème ice cream I see the NutterButter as having more growth potential.


I must commend Nabisco on not enslaving a tree full of elves to make cookies for you like some of your less scrupulous competitors.

Please let me know when the Double Stuff NutterButters will be hitting the shelves in my local super market. I can’t wait.



Stephen



P.S. can I get an autographed photo.

I will let 2ft tall mime brush my teeth if that is what it takes to win your vote!!!

Recently I have been working hard on my 08 campaign. I am so glad my A taught me to shake it has really come in handy these past few weeks. I have been trying to get out among the public to shake some hands and kiss some babies.

Unfortunately the reaction has not been exactly what I am looking for. Every time I shake someone’s hand they say “That is so cute” or “What a neat trick” but I don’t hear a lot of “ You definitely have my Vote Stephen” I am not out here to be cute if you want cute there is a monkey in Florida who will shake you hand for a quarter. I am out here to win votes and show what can happen when we all get behind a candidate. I think the handshaking is winning a few votes but not as many as I would like.

I think I am going to have to do more than just shake a few hands. I wonder if my A will spring from some campaign signs to put out in front of people’s houses. I bet a TV commercial would go a long way too. Do you think NBC will take a credit card? Maybe I could run my add during the World Series. I wonder if I can put 1.5 million on my A’s Corporate AMEX.


The baby kissing seems to be having a negative effect. It seems that a lot of people don’t really want their babies kissed. All you ever hear about is politicians shaking hands and kissing babies. Can someone tell me when is became passé to kiss babies. I just don’t get it I go in to kiss the baby and the next thing you know the Mom is yanking the baby away. I don’t get it what is wrong with these people.

Being a public figure is hard. It is really tough to please the public. I want to win this thing and will do what I have to in order to get my point across. As the makes of the Klondike bar once asked “What would you do for a Klondike bar?”, would you hop like a frog? Well let me tell you I am willing to do what it takes to get your vote. Yes I will let a 2 ft tall mime brush my teeth if that is what it takes to get you to vote for me.

I am in this for the long run and now I have pearly white teeth and minty fresh breath. Maybe my breath was issue with kissing babies. I am going to run out and try to kiss a few more babies before I go to bed.

Remember Vote Stephen the Dog.

Who should I vote for Stephen TheDog '08 Press Release

For Immediate Release

CONTACT: Stephen TheDog
stephen@stephenthedog.com
http://www.stephenthedog.com

Canine Declares for 08
Stephen the Dog officially announces his involvement in the fall election Season

Barkington DE. – Stephen TheDog a 3 ½ year old Poodle Golden retriever cross and author of the award winning blog StephentheDog (http://www.stephenthedog.com/) has officially announced his participation in the fall election season.
Stephen’s candidacy is unique in many ways, the least of which is that he is a dog and thus technically unqualified to hold any political office. While this would be a detriment to most campaigns Stephen is actually using it to his advantage.
“I see that fact that I can not actually hold an office as a positive. I am not actually trying to win but I am trying to bring awareness to people about how they vote. Too often people make uninformed voting decisions and just fill in a bubble with out a good reason to vote for that person. I suggest that if you don’t have an opinion vote for me. I can’t win and if enough people write in Stephen TheDog it will send a clear signal to the candidates that they need to do a better job campaigning.”
There have been write in campaigns before but never has there been a write in campaign where the candidate has run for every office with the understanding that he can not win any of them. “This is not about me this it about sending a message. There are a lot of unrepresented people out there who want to be involved in the democratic process but don’t have a candidate they can stand behind. A write in Vote for Stephen TheDog not only prevents the noncommittal vote but also will show the candidates that there is a large untapped portion of the public who they have not swayed. “
The main advantage for the write in candidate is that Stephen can be involved in every race at once. Since Stephen TheDog is not running for any office in particular, if for example a person knows who they want to vote for President but has no opinion on the town clerk race they can write in Stephen TheDog for town clerk. Alternately if they have an opinion on Town clerk but can’t decide between Obama and McCain they could write in Stephen TheDog for President. It also works well for uncontested races. Who really wants to vote for the candidate running uncontested did he really win your vote? “Show them they have not won your vote and vote for the dog”
In every election you get write in votes for Elvis, Gilligan, my neighbor Jimmy etc. These votes just get ignored because they represent a tiny portion of the total votes cast. However if , all of these throw away votes were added together it would represent a large number of votes. “My goal it to unite the throw away votes and show the power of the people”
“We must send a message and take back the election process”


For more information email Stephen(at)stephenthedog.com

- END -

Joey Does it!!!!!

The Internet has me in a bad mood today. I am generally overwhelmed with the conglomeration of stupidity out there. I hate to say it but there are some people who should not have a voice. I don’t really want to go into detail. I will get over it and I am moving on. Wheew now I feel a little better.

As you all know I have been busy with my weather experiments and my quest to collect all, your throw away votes. Is there a more trusted leader than a dog? Dogs are tasked with leading blind people across streets what better vote of confidence is there than someone stepping out into traffic without looking and knowing their dog will keep them safe.

With all these things going on I have been very busy and have sort of lost track of what my pals have been doing. It turns out my best buddy Joey has been working on a project of his own lately.

It seems that there are invisible barriers around all the homes in our neighborhood. It is weird you will be minding your own business then like 3 feet before you get to the barrier you hear a beeping sound. If you don’t turn around and just ignore the beeping a few seconds later your neck will hit that barrier and you will feel this weird pain like a bee sting. It is really not pleasant.

The weird thing is that when I am with my A or R they can lead me through the barrier with no problem, but if I try to go through the same spot without them it does not work. Believe me I have tried everything. It seems to me that the gap must be constantly moving. I have a feeling the barrier is visible to humans but not dogs, which would explain why it is so easy for my A and R to get through it. I wonder if it has something to do with color. We dogs don’t see color anywhere near as well as people so I am guess this has something to do with me not being able to see the opening in the barrier.

Now the other day I was walking by Joey’s house and he walked out into the road to say “Hi” to me. I was shocked. “Joey how did you get through the barrier?” he told me he had figured it out. Apparently in order to get out of Joey’s yard all you need to do it locate gap in the barrier which can be done by watching birds. Apparently when birds fly over the house they use the barrier gaps. The birds always fly above the gaps so if you can run under the bird you can get out of the yard.

Joey is so lucky. He has been taking himself for walks, he gets to visit people when they walk by and he has even been going over to visit muddy next door. As soon as I get some time I am going to see if the bird trick works for the barrier around my house. I have noticed it does work for getting into Joey’s yard so I am hopeful it will work in my yard.

I am hoping that this system works for all the yards in my neighborhood and not just Joey’s yard. I can’t wait to be able to get out at night and go visit Mr. Mailbox. I am so going to figure out what he is getting in that ridiculous mailbox. I can understand locking up your house or your car but your mail, come on. I wonder if Mr. Mailbox knows that anyone can stop his mail. All you have to do is go to USPS.com and fill out the stop mail form. They never even ask you to prove it is really your mail you are stopping. Well it looks like I have some work to do over at USPS.com. Remember if you don’t know who to vote for vote dog.

Where are you Mr. Noland

Dear Mr. Noland,

I just wanted to follow up on my letter of Aug 13, 2008. As I had expressed in my previous letter I am very interested in talking to you about the Financial Service Representative position at Strategic Financial Partners (SFP).

I am wondering why you have not responded to my previous letter. In you initial email you stated that based on my background I would be a “Great Fit” for the position as well as stating that you were “looking forward to the opportunity to meet me soon’

Based on this I find it puzzling that you have not replied to my most recent email. Has something changed? Have you filled the position? Hopefully you have not been sick. I really hope you have not been sick. My A had the flu a couple months ago and he was in bed for a week I felt so bad for him.

You might be interested to know that recently I was awarded a certificate for sun bathing and pool watching from my Doggie Day Care. That is right I was recognized for my outstanding abilities in these areas. I wanted to bring this to your attention as it is currently not on my resume yet. If I can be recognized for sunbathing imagine what I can do in financial services. I just need an opportunity. Once I get the job I am sure I my A will need to get a bigger fridge just to hang all my SFP awards. Notice how I have already switched over to using the SFP acronym. I am already increasing my productivity and I don’t even work there yet.


Please let me know what the current status of this position is. I am a little concerned that something has changed and I am not longer in the running, The only two things I can think of are the fact that I am a dog and that I am black. Obviously being a dog is not an issue. You did review my resume where it is obvious I am a dog and you came away impressed so I don’t think this is an issue. I also don’t believe it has anything to do with me being black. I believe SFP is an equal opportunity employer and while there are still a very small number bigoted companies out there I don’t SFP is one of them. I have nothing but respect for you company. Thus I am baffled

I would like to assume that you have just been busy and have not been able to get back to me. I was also able to get my A to agree to give me a ride to you office on Wed Oct 15th. I will have to skip doggie day care that day but if that is what it takes to become a Financial Services Representative then so be it. Mr. Noland I am willing to do what it takes to land this position.

Please contact me soon as my schedule is filling up quickly. I have recently declared my candidacy for 2008. I am running as a write in candidate for all open offices. Basically you know how there are always one or two races where you don’t care say the race for bursar. What the heck is a bursar anyway and who is Mary O’Connel. Rather than just voting for Mary I want people to write in Stephen TheDog. Obviously if you know Mary and know she does a good job vote for her just don’t vote blind. I don’t expect to win anything I just want people to think about their votes and not just vote blindly. I even have a couple of slogans

“If you are going to vote blind then vote dog” “Stephen TheDog the seeing eye dog for the democratic process”

I sincerely hope you did not have the flu.

I look forward to meeting you and promise not to lick your face at least not until I get the job.

Stephen




P.S. Can I get an autographed photo.

Stephen the Dog declares for 2008

This weekend we went to my R’s parent’s house. Apparently it is a very nice house or so I am told. I don’t really know since I get to sleep in the garage and am only allowed in one room off the garage. Let me tell you there are some major drawbacks to sleeping a garage. I know jimmy254 things it is cool that he lives in his parents garage but let me tell you it kind of stinks. It is drafty out there and the cars smell a little funny. Plus you have that refrigerator noise to lull you to sleep. I don’t want to complain though. I did get a sweet bone and got to do some swimming.

As you probably have noticed I only update here on average about once a week. I know I should be more diligent but I have so many things going on it is hard to write sometimes. I still have not had my interview for that financial service job. I am going to need to follow with Mr. Noland soon I bet his is just busy reviewing resumes. I am so glad he was able to see my potential though.

I also have had a huge craving for Pringles brand potato crisps lately. I am not really sure why. Do you know why they call them crisps and not chips? It is because they can’t legally call them chips because well they are not chips. Pringles are actually made from a potato paste. That is the only way they can get them all in that weird little shape.

Ok so now that you are up to speed.

On a far more serious note

With the upcoming elections in November I am considering starting an internet campaign. I know there is a long way to go before you can make up you mind on who to vote for and I respect you decision either way. However as of today I am declaring my candidacy. That is right I am running for office. You may ask which office well I am running for all offices. That is right I want your throw away votes. I know how it is, in every election there is a race you don’t care about, don’t have enough info to vote, or don’t like either candidate. Rather than just filling in a circle please take a min and write in Stephen TheDog. Don’t worry I can’t win as the laws will not allow a dog to take office. (that is a fight for another time) However if I can get my name on enough ballots perhaps we can show those people in Washington what a dog with a lot of free time can do.

Politicians often have this air of entitlement. Imagine the message you would send by voting for me. Sure you could write in Elvis or Gilligan but if as a nation we all wrote in Stephen TheDog. That would send a powerful message. Well Mr. Freedman you did win but there was a write in candidate who got 20% of the votes and he’s a dog. Nice job campaigning pal!

Please vote for what you believe in but if you don’t care I say vote for the dog. Show the government that you voters really have a choice. Rally behind the dog!

Stephen the dog for a better America. I bet if I was a Senator I would not have to sleep in the garage.

Reply to Mr. Noland

Mr Noland,

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume. I would have to agree with you that I would make a great fit for the Financial Services Representative position you are looking to fill.

Ever since I was a puppy I have been interested in the Financial Services Industry. In an effort to better understand money I have even gone so far as to eat several dollar bills. I can tell you this they don’t taste like chicken but are much better than matches. I have also spent considerable time working on my own personal finances.

During my impetuous youth I ran into a slight issue where I chewed through a seatbelt. At the time I did this I had no income and no prospects for income. I was pretty much relying on my A to put food in my bowl twice a day. This incident opened my eyes and since then I have accomplished all that you see on my resume. I am very proud of the fact that I have been able to pay off my seatbelt debt and in fact have exponentially increase my personal net worth since the time of the incident. This incident was a true turning point in my life

Unfortunately I have been unable to call Mary McHugh, as you suggested to schedule an interview. As you are most likely aware dogs do not have opposable thumbs so we can’t dial phones unless they have really big keypads. I have a giant keypad phone on order but it won’t be here for a few days. Don’t worry though if part of this job requires me to dial a phone I will bring the giant keypad phone I just ordered to work with me. I know you are taking a chance on me so I don’t want to be treated any different than any other employee. I would not think of asking you to provide special office equipment for me.

I am certainly looking forward to meeting you and discussing career opportunities in your office. Currently my A works 8-5pm which leaves me without a car. I did ask him if he would mind taking a day off to drive me to the interview. Unfortunately he told me that unless I started to play fetch with him he would not take the time off to drive me. Obviously the easy thing for me to do would be to play fetch but that game is so demeaning I just won’t do it and I don’t think you would want to hire a dog that would play fetch anyway.

Would it be possible to do an interview after 6:30pm? Or even better you could come to my house and we could do the interview there. I am home all day every day except Wednesday’s when I go to Doggy Day Care, which ever day works best for you is fine with me. I will be able to afford a car or at least afford to pay the Doggie Day Care bus lady to drive me to work once I get the job but for now I am stuck without transportation.

Thanks again for this great opportunity. I am chasing my tail in excitement. I really think being a Financial Services Representative will be a great opportunity for me and I am sure I will be an asset to your organization.

I am enclosing a picture with this email so you will be able to recognize me when we meet. If I have learned anything in business it is being able to recognize and associate a name with the face you are meeting goes a long way towards building a successful relationship


Sincerely,

Stephen TheDog
Future Financial Services Representative
Strategic Financial Partners

P.S. Would is be possible to get an autographed photo.

I got an interview

So last week I posted my resume on Monster.com and in addition to the mountains of junk email I am now getting I got an interview request. This is a great first step. I am going to make a great Financial Services Representative.



Hi Stephen

My name is Glenn Noland, Managing Partner for Strategic Financial Partners of New England Financial, a MetLife company. I recently reviewed your resume on Monster and your background would be a great fit for the Financial Services Representative position that we are looking to fill. I would like to set up a time with you to discuss career opportunities with our company in our Waltham office. Please click HERE to schedule your interview or contact Mary McHugh at (444)788-4650 or reply to this email with the date and time that you will be available to interview. I look forward to the opportunity to meet you soon!

Sincerely,



Glenn Noland

Managing Partner

Strategic Financial Partners

New England Financial, A MetLife Company

Vicroty Hair

I am a dog so I hear a lot of stupid things. People don’t tend to think we dogs are paying attention but we are. We listen to you people and often it is all we can do not to laugh at you people. The other day I was walking around and heard this guy try to pick up a girl with the following line “I like Tomato soup”. That just makes no sense. Come on Tomato soup? A much better line would be look at the cute dog over there I bet he would let us pet him. Even better would be “I have a dog biscuit would you like to give it to the cute dog over there”

The tomato soup line will definitely keep you from achieving Victory Hair. You know when you hair is so good you can’t help but engaging people.

VO5 is having some Ultimate Flirting Championship ultimate flirting championship thing. If you think you have victory hair you should check it out.

I love
Extreme Style by VO5 it rocks. I use VO5 on my hair all the time and it make me look so good. You have to admit I do look good

My Resume is on Monster

As you all know I am in the process of looking for a job. I have come to realize that just being cute will not pay the bills. After contacting Joey’s R about finding a job I realized that god helps those who help themselves.

I just watched “Facing the Giants” with my A and R so I am a little fired up about god lately. If you have not seen the movie you should definitely check it out. I will have to say it is the best movie put out by a Southern Baptist church that I have ever seen. I though the best part was when the scrawny little kid kicked the field goal to beat the Giants. I you won’t even believe the name of this kid. It was David the symbolism it just awesome a tiny kid named David flinging a football to defeat the Giants how awesome is that.

So in an effort to help myself I have posted the following resume on Monster.com. Hopefully I will find a job soon.

Stephen TheDog
7 Bark Lane, Barkington DE, 17753
317-Bow-Wow1
Stephen@stephenthedog.com

Background Summary
Dynamic Dog with extensive experience in a wide variety of fields.
· Letter Writing
· Internet commentary
· Archeology
· Entrepenureal idea development
· Marketing consulting
· Digging
· Sled Pulling

Experience
StephentheDog Industires LLC
since 2005

President, Barkington DE
· Incorporated in Delaware SDI focuses on developing industrial solutions for a changing world. We have successfully developed and patented Nut Silo as well as several other world class ideas which are in various stages of the patent process


PayPerPost
Since 2007

Marketing consultant,
· Contributed originally marketing ideas and press releases for multiple products.
· Highest Grossing dog ODDer since July 07.
· Responsible for the exponential growth of internet Goth dating.



Stephenthedog.com
Since April 2007

Webmaster Stephenthedog.com
· Responsible for site design and content. Stephenthedog,com is the number on Dog run website on the internet.
· Lead historical research resulting in new theory on why Americans drive on the right.




Education



Puppy Kindergarten- Especially for Pets
Finished 1st in class
Graduate Puppy- Especially for Pets
Finished 1st in class
Beginner Agility- Master Peace
Intermediate Obedience- Master Peace
Certified Canine Good Citizen
Certified Canine Swimmer -HTDDC


Hobbies
· Currently working on assembling my own museum quality Cow Skeleton.
· Chewing stuff
· Real Estate Speculation
· Walking
· Welcoming joggers passing the house



· Multilingual (Barking and written Englsih).

Matches do not Taste like Chicken

It has been one of those days, long and kind of boring. I was home today with not much to do other than watch tv and eat stuff. I am not supposed to eat stuff but sometimes I like to pretend I am on a deserted island and starving to death. You never know when the ability to eat socks will save your life.


Well today I was walking around the house thinking about what I would eat if my A never came home. If only I had opposable thumbs I could open the refrigerator or even better open the door and go outside and play. Unfortunately god did not bless me with thumbs so I am stuck inside. I did notice a box of matches sitting on a table. I figured matches are made of wood which is like a plant. I like to eat grass so maybe wood might be ok plus, I was in the mood for something spicy. So I tried a few of them. I picked up the box and carried it over to my bed.

I like to eat stuff on my bed because what is my A gonna do if I he catches me? Send me to bed? Ha I am already on my bed! Anyway I started to eat the matches, in case you are wondering they do not taste like chicken, in fact they are kind of gross. I got through like 3 of them and decided I don’t like matches. I wonder if my poop will be inflammable now?

No that is not a typo Jimmie357, inflammable means capable of being set on fire. I understand you have developed quite a sense of self worth what with recently being elected king of your Mom’s basement and all. However I would appreciate it if you did a little more research before telling me I am wrong.

How cool would it be to go take a poop on Mr. Mailboxes front steps and have it catch fire when he steps on it. Hmm maybe eating matches is a better idea then I thought. I might have to research this further. Does anyone have any water? I have this weird sulfur taste in my mouth I can’t get rid of. Ha

Response from Joey's R

Dear Stephen -

Thank you for contacting me about your job search. The current economicsituation has hit many people and while I am not an expert in the canine job marketI think it is safe to assume your struggle to find a position is a common tail (punintended). Having said that, you are correct that I am always looking for superior talent towork with. Since you live in the area, have spent many productive hours runningaround my yard and barking at me I know your strengths and quality of character. I'm happy to say that I will do what I can to assist you in your search for gainfulemployment.

The demand in the job market for dogs is a mixed bag. On the one hand there aren'tmany jobs out there for dogs but on the other hand the ones I know about seem to begreat opportunities. Case in point is one position I'm aware of for a Sled Dog (seethe attached job description). As I see it, this is a great position for you. Youlove being outside, you love to run and you love to be near other dogs (Joey's limpis a testament to this) . What could be better that a 15 mile run with 9 other dogsall pulling together? And if I'm not mistaken, I've seen your A fit you with a dogsled harness already so you may already have some experience (should this be on yourresume?). You would be feed very well. You must be wondering if you would be the Lead Dog. From what I'm told every dog is given the opportunity to attain Lead Dog status but it does require the right amountof experience and training. This is great since I know you are goal-oriented. Itgives you something to aspire to. Goals are important.

I look forward to hearing what you think.

Looking for a Job

Dear Joey’s R

Recently Joey informed me that you were a headhunter. After some initial shock and terror I have come to realize that you are a guy who finds people jobs and not a psychopath who hangs the heads of the defenseless on his wall. As Joey may or may not have told you I am currently between positions. I have a few ideas up in the air but none of them have really taken off yet.

This being said I am open to looking for a job in corporate America. I have spent some time looking on my own but have been hitting a brick wall. It seems that most companies do not hire dogs. In fact many of my kind have been forced to work for free. Do you know what the average guide dog makes? They make nothing they are not even paid. Apparently keeping blind people from being flattened by semi trucks is not a service people are willing to pay for.

Do you know what an avalanche rescue dog makes? Again nothing apparently being dug out from under 20ft of suffocating snow is not even worth minimum wage. These are the issues I am running into. There just does not seem to be any good work out there.

Seeing as you are a head hunter, (not the kind who hangs heads on a wall) I was wondering if you would be willing to help me in my job search. I have extensive experience in Marketing and New Media as well and some experience in security work. I assure you I am employable I just need a chance.

I know you recruiter guys are always looking for clients so I am assuming you will add me to you client list. I am attaching my resume for you review.

Looking forward to a productive job search

Sincerely,

Stephen


P.S. would it be possible to get an autographed photo?

Yikes!!! Joey's R is a HeadHunter

Yesterday I was playing with Joey. He just got back from vacation. Well actually he just got back from the kennel and his family got back from vacation. His family picked him up so it looked like he was coming back from vacation with them.

Apparently his family went hiking and to amusement parks and all kinds of fun things for their week of vacation. Joey did tell me that he had a lot of fun taking naps at the kennel and even got to meet some new friends. I have never been to a kennel but they kind of scare me. When my A and R go on vacation I either go to N and G’s or I get to go along. In May I got to ride in the car all the way to North Carolina it was an awesome time. I made sure I drank lots of water so I could pee on all kinds of stuff and mark my territory. I now have claimed property in over 7 states. Most of my properties are gas stations and rest areas but I do own some sweet beach property as well.

I guess a kennel would be ok but I would rather just hang out with my A and R.

I did ask Joey what his R and S do that allows them to take these great vacations. Joey’s S is a teacher so she gets the summer off and his R , not to be confused with his r, is a headhunter. I assume head hunters kind of make their own schedule. I am sure they get busy when head season is open but I bet it is pretty flexible. I wonder if they wear those fluorescent orange vests. Is there a limit on how many heads you can take in a day? Where do you sell your heads after you have hunter them?

I am going to have to be a little more careful around Joey’s R. I don’t want my head hunted. I am pretty sure our whole town is a no hunting zone so I think I am pretty safe. I don’t think Joey’s R does any poaching. I am still going to be more careful though I don’t want my head to end up on a wall.