I spent the first 6 years of my life in China. This meant that picking my nose in public, eating dogs for breakfast, and squatting to poop on a hole in the ground were all part of my daily life as a chinaman. When I migrated to the US in 1989, it was absolute culture shock. People would stare at me with a dirty look when I picked my nose and people actually kept dogs as pets. I felt like I was on another planet. So those two habits disappeared with the quickness. However, the third one was harder to give up. Even though I had access to toilets now, I would still squat on top of the toilet to poop. When my grandma caught me doing this, she yelled at me. She said that when I squat to poop, the splash would get the toilet all wet and dirty. From then on, I would poop only when my grandma wasn't home. I refused to sit down to poop!
One day, I had to poop really bad and my grandma was home. I tried my best to hold it in, but I felt the turtle head emerging so I quickly ran to the bathroom. My ninja of a grandma followed me because she suspected I was still squatting. While in mid-poop, my grandma opens the bathroom door and screams "AH HA!" She gave me a beating and threatened to make me eat my own shit if I ever squatted again.
Shit, what am I going to do now? I don't want to eat my own shit. That very same night, it happened. I sat down to poop for the first time in my life. I felt a light shining on me and angels singing in the background. Sitting down to poop wasn't as bad as I thought. There were two things I didn't like though: the coldness of the toilet seat against my buttocks and the feeling that my buttchecks were too close together. When you squat, your buttcheeks are spread further apart than when you're sitting. So when I sat down to poop that first time, it almost felt like the shit was wiping against my buttocks as it slid out.
While my squatting days are over, I've still retained the ability to squat like a pro. Ever wondered why you're able to do the asian squat so well, while other races can't seem to do it? It's the power of evolution my friend. Through many many generations of squatting to poop, us asians have developed special muscles in our legs that enable us to squat, knees up, feet flat on the ground. Even though those born in America have never had to squat, those asian squatting genes have yet to dissappear from my gene pool.
Look how pathethic they look, squatting on their tip toes. FAIL!
This is how it should be done. Look at the perfect form. Definitely a 10.
sometimes, i hate on people because subconsciously, i see a part of myself that i hate in them. but most of the time, it's because they're fucking idiots.
lately, i've been seeing a lot of people use the phrase "no homo." what does it mean, you ask? well, basically, it's a get of jail free card for str8 guys to say the gayest thing possible without compromising their heterosexuality. it's like kinda the wave people do, when they cut someone off. it automatically makes it ok.
gayer: "yo, you been working out man? i'm getting a boner from looking at your muscular calves and washboard abs. NO HOMO!"
clay aiken gay: "i want to do you in the butt and have you scream my name, while eating a banana. NO HOMO!"
i know that str8 guys who are secure with their sexuality like to joke around like that, but when was it necessary to say "no homo"? is there something you're trying to hide? something you're insecure of? cause honestly, saying "no homo" is about as homo as you can get. if you need this phrase to confirm your sexuality, you're homo.
this entry is dedicated to "tales of a fourth grade nothing," one of my favorite childhood stories. my 4th grade teacher used to read us a chapter once a week. i miss those days dearly.
when i first migrated to the US, i stayed with my aunt in irvine (the OC) for a couple of months while my parents got settled in to find jobs. then i moved back to chinatown and started the second half of 1st grade at castelar elementary. i had mrs. wong, a nice chinese lady with a medium length perm. i remember a very embarassing incident that happened that year.
it was story time, but me and another student volunteered to help with some stapling. so while all the other kids were gathered around the rug, listening to mrs. wong read a book out loud, me and the other kid was working. i remembered having to go pee really really bad. but for some reason that i can't recall anymore, i decided to hold it in. the only plausible reason i can think of for not asking to go to the bathroom is because i didn't want to interrupt everyone's storytime. but i was 6, so who knows what i was thinking? i held it in for as long as i humanly could, and then i just went, right then and there in the classroom. it felt so good to finally release it. when you're 6, your bladder control isn't as good as it is now. i think most of it got absorbed by my sweatpants, but some did leak onto the ground. like a ninja, i quickly got some paper towels to wipe the ground. while none of the other kids noticed, i remember mrs. wong looking at me suspiciously when i was wiping the ground. i guess my ninja powers weren't as potent as hers. i prayed to god that she wouldn't call me out. i'm pretty sure she put the pieces together.
after i was done with the stapling, i joined the rest of the kids for storytime. my pants were still soaked from the pee, so i sat with my legs bent but spread apart to provide ventilation. i was happily enjoying the story and feeling good for not getting caught when all of a sudden some kid screams something and everyone starts staring at me and laughing. i was thinking to myself, "shit, they saw my wet pants." but as i looked down at my pants, i saw that they weren't laughing at my moist pants. there was a giant hole in my pants, right on the crotch area and i went commando that day. triple fail.
at least i still got away with peeing in the classroom...i think.
True
Lifetime
