Screaming Weasel

(Near Pitt Campus - Oakland, PA)

I love snow in the winter time - it looks pretty …. but I’m like everyone else: I hate shoveling it, scraping off the car, etc …. but it makes a city look pretty for a while. Doing the other stuff seems worth it for this little gift. That is, until the idiots show up. They do, it just can’t be stopped ….. sort of like a 500lb policeman in a donut shop.

Here are some of my favorite Clueless Idiot Winter Activities that I normally spot:

1. This ranks no.1, because no matter how many times the radio, TV, or car dealerships themselves explain that the four wheel drive on gas guzzling SUVs won’t track ice - you always see at least two confused rednecks wandering around their now alternative art looking SUVs that are wrapped around telephone poles trying to figure out what happened (even though they are twenty feet from a highway lane turned ice skating rink) while on your way to work.

2. After the road crew clears and cleans the streets a massive amount of clueless idiots emerge from their homes to shovel the snow from their walkways back into the streets instead of into their yards - again making the streets nice and icy. Of course they are the first to complain when a driver loses control on the newly placed snow and ends up putting the front end of an Ford F-150 in their living room.

3. The idiot that rides his/her bike in the winter on ice covered streets, hits a car after loosing traction on the ice, then complains to the driver ….. obviously the helmet is on too tight and keeping oxygen from brain.

4. The dolts you see on TV after their cars blow up when they left the car running in the winter filling up the gas tank. This definitely proves smoking is healthier than something and that the Darwin Awards are necessary.

5. The kids that shoot their eyes out with their new Red Rider BB guns (sorry, couldn’t resist).

6. The well kept streets in the SouthSide of Pittsburgh ….. ’nuff said.

7. The clueless that cross the SouthSide streets thinking the cars can actually stop in the winter ….. splat (and possibly crunch). I’m not talking about the drunk people that have enough sense to stay walking on the sidewalk.

8. The pigeons that make the snow so colorful ….. and the people that keep feeding them. Nothing like pigeon poop designs in the snow. “Hey kid with the pigeon feeding mom …. come taste this snowball ….”.

9. The parents that stand there with that “lost puppy dog” look as their children sled ride into the streets turning them into moving speed bumps. Isn’t there a law against passing the “idiot” gene?

10. People staying inside and not running out at the immediate sight of snow to buy Screaming Weasel his Xmas present. That’s just plain rude.

c

Don’t you just ha ate it when the wind blows and radically changes how perfect that grass was standing when you were taking that perfect photo of it ….. or better yet, how radicals force you to change the way you think?

If you get a chance, read the article called “A Conversation With Malik Rahim” in The Pittsburgh City Paper. Besides being an excellent article, it brings to light that our whole country was created by radicals. Point being is that Obama is seen as a radical because of who he associated with - but everyone forgets, as Malik pointed out in the interview …… America’s founding fathers were the biggest radicals you could think of. Now, I’m not an Obama nor McCain supporter ….. personally I don’t think either one was ready for the position.

Everyone fears radicals …… yes some are bad, but the worse thing to fear is no change at all. When it comes down to it, radicals are probably the least of your worries.

Either one of our presidential candidates this year could be looked at as radicals ….. they each had their points they wanted heavy change on — heavy change. This doesn’t mean we should have put them in prison or single them out …. but discerned their points and ideas to determine which ones fit and benefit the residents and visitors of this country. Because people think differently doesn’t mean they are going to make a law to empty out your bank accounts, take you house, make you a slave …… or better yet, make you stand in line for toilet paper. It’s an indication that a percentage of the nation is ready to grow up into it’s next phase of existence.

As you keep to your “values” - if you have any - less the ones the press dictates you have, and you hopefully discern what you believe is good for your country ….. try to remember one thing: If there weren’t radicals, there wouldn’t be an America.

OK … whenever I find something I want tn rant about and then found someone that did it better … I just point out their post. I’ve been a fan of Justin’s work for quite a while and he hit this one right on the nose.

One thing that irks me after a major event (like the election), is the fact that people can’t figure out how to move on with their lives …. or as Cafe Witness ever so subtly points out …. the cool factor of the election is over , it’s not going to get you laid anymore. Check out his article: Cafe Witness Obama Won’t Get You Laid

Justin - Kudos, excellent article.

-SW

There are a few things that blatantly give SW material for this blog. The most popular being idiots, local government (sorry to be redundant there), and UPMC (sorry to be redundant again).

Well, UPMC is cutting costs again ….. they are being hit by hard times ….. of course they never mention that they usually have enough left over cash to completely save most third world countries - and they claim non-profit. I think the mayor should schedule a pity party for UPMC in downtown Pittsburgh so we can donate money to help them out.

Besides the usual crap UPMC gets away with, part of the cost cutting they are doing is killing House Of Hope. It’s a program in not so scenic Braddock that helps homeless mothers, crack addicted mothers, etc recover. The fact that it works so well, is seen by many as amazing - there no other programs like it, and probably won’t be if it goes away. Here is the problems with it:

1. It’s effective, so it probably doesn’t last long enough to get more and more government funding that UPMC so cherishes.

2. It doesn’t get repeat customers - so add no. 1 to the end of this.

3. It’s in a low income area - in other words they probably wouldn’t want to take their higher up types into the area to show off the program - it might not look nice. Braddock isn’t exactly seen as a corporate fishbowl area.

Basically if it’s not profitable or doesn’t look cool - UPMC doesn’t want it. Considering UPMC has refused for so long to give back to the city and surrounding areas, killing a program that as the PG writer says “probably costs less than running the UPMC sign on the USX tower” is more than offensive. It only supports five people at a time.

As usual UPMC = a special class of greedy idiots

If you think I’m wrong in that, think this way: cancer = profit …… then look at how much UPMC invests in cancer. Once cancer is not profitable, they will drop that too.

Pittsburgh PG Reference Article

Primitive Church - Cades Cove, TN

Well, as of November 8th, 2008 - I’m married. Needless to say, extremely happy about that. No - we weren’t married in the church above, but a small chapel that looked fairly close to it in Gatlinburg, TN. We’re from Pittsburgh - so why travel so far? For us it was the opportunity to start our lives in a peaceful, family environment that many people only hope to have some day in their marriages. This was very important to us to start in a way that secured a basis for the rest of our relationship ….. so when we ever have to deal with “issues” they are handled without distress. We have an 8 year old young lady in our family, so starting out in away that helps us out to be good examples was very important also. With that said, we did something different than many people did today - we went into our marriage based on our love for each other, and the fact that we trusted God, not us to match us up.

Things have changed over the years in relationships - so enough of the serious stuff, let’s look at the perks of marriage in this day in age as compared to the days when the church above may have flourished:

Olden Days: The wife cooked, cleaned, and popped out a kid every few years - along with taking care of her husband, etc. The husband was usually the only bread winner in the family - so the possible financial demise of the family solely rested on his shoulders. The father tended to be more strict financially, and the family generally more responsible.

Today: There is a good chance the wife has never seen a cook book, let alone actually learning how to cook from her mother. Cleaning may happen at the level of a Swiffer(r) or single sheet wet-mop. Financial responsibility is pretty much out the door (so for the neighbors there is usually good Jerry Springer level entertainment).

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Olden Days: Since the wife did usually cook, there was a knife or rolling pin within her reach - which was one of the few things a husband had to fear (beside food poisoning from cooking that sat out too long).

Today: Many women take self-defense classes (Thanks Oprah), so a small knife or rolling pin are the least of a husband’s worries.

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Olden Days: Women were submissive.

Today: Huh?

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Olden Days: Kids listened to their parents and showed at least a little respect.

Today: “What Dad????, I can’t hear you over the ******* X-Box surround sound …… could you bother me later????”

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Olden Days: Love was simple …… you spent the day holding hands while in rocking chairs on the porch.

Today: What the heck is a rocking chair?

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Olden Days: Quality time just happened, you thanked God for the food and life you had.

Today: “Mom, this isn’t a Happy Meal …. it’s just food …… waaaaaaaaaaaa ……. God wanted me to have a Happy meal!!!!!! waaaaaaaaaa!!!!!”

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Olden Days: You married because you actually loved each other …… divorce lawyers were poor.

Today: Many people married because their last night together woke up two city blocks ….. divorce lawyers now own 30 story buildings.

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Olden Days: You based your family life by the Bible.

Today: “The Simpsons” and “Married With Children” are now considered documentaries.

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Yup I’m married ……… my name gets change to Al or Homer next week.

Yup I’m married ……… it does get kept in a jar after your wedding night (see George Carlin references if you are confused on this one).

Yup I’m married ……… I can’t get past a half can of beer now.

Yup I’m married ……… you’re next

Here Comes The Bride …….

First things first … “Here Comes The Bride ….. ” thank God, does not apply to me. Even though I have spent quite a bit of time, and spend time down in Pittsburgh’s SouthSide - it hasn’t affected my lifestyle choices THAT much

I am very happy to announce I am getting married to a woman that is extremely perfect for me. Along with that blessing, I get an instant family including an 8-year old (in other words I get to play with toys again and NOT end up in a rubber room). We will be getting married in scenic Gatlinburg - unless there is a freak snowstorm in the mountains on the way down …. then we will be getting married wherever the car gets stuck.

This puts me on a new trail in life, finding space in my life for a wife (notice I didn’t say ‘new’ because I’ve never had one, and I don’t plan on ever having another), a child (the 8-year old), and a new dog (never go to PetSmart on the weekends). One thing I can honestly say is that all of these things have enhanced my life …… along with adding a ‘piddle patrol’ department to our household.

So …. once I get back, be prepared for a new line of Screaming Weasel sarcasms, and maybe a few postings from the Mrs. - I was going to say Mrs. Rodent …… but I’m entirely sure of the amount of backlash from that yet

-S.W.

Just in time for Halloween - wrap one side of your kid with x-ray film and unravel a roll of Scotch tape - walla! Instant healthcare savings. Seems un-true, well the article is at the bottom of the page, but I see many more money saving uses for x-rays from Scotch tape:

1. Glow-in the dark pets ……. unravel a few rolls of tape around Spot and you can see him anywhere in the forest if runs away.

2. Kids switch from Lemonade stands to x-ray stands to raise money and rake in the HMO bucks.

3. Useful as an additional power source for your x-ray glasses, so you can REALLY find out what they neighbors are doing.

Link to article at Yahoo!

P.S. I have no idea why I wrote this.

This will probably be my typical review for Squonk Opera - JUST GO!

1. It’s free Oct 17th (tonight), and Oct 18th at Schenley Plaza

2. It’s Squonk Opera!

If you are not familiar with Squonk - they are basically Pittsburgh’s slightly twisted version of The Trans-Siberian Orchestra without the holiday themes. Ok, so maybe they are more like the TSO on crack (that is a compliment … considering I like Squonk better than TSO - it also means they are creative enough to push the envelope away from what is considered “safe Pittsburgh” ).

This is all happening during the Pittsburgh 250 and Festival Of Lights, so along with Squonk, you are surrounded by much cool stuff.

Check out there website (Squonk Opera), then just go see them live - if you can’t find Schenley Plaza off of Forbes Avenue - just look for the big 40ft wide satellite dish - it’s their stage.

My rating: ***** (a full 5 - no less) - or, since it’s Astro-Rama, should I say a “full 5 texts”. Go see the show - you’ll be enlightened as to what that means. Squonk has gone to and stayed at a Broadway level for years, never going down in the quality of their artistic creations and the quality of the over-all show they provide. This is a treasure for Pittsburgh to have - make sure you support them. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing them in the beginning with SMORGASBORDWONDERWERK and I am completely amazed how much the group has grown is capability and creativity. Squonk is one of those things that attracts people to Pittsburgh - so support them (even when it’s not free).

BTW … kid friendly

P.S. …… say ‘HI!’ to P.A.L. for me

Go figure …. right?

Typical Pittsburgh … something going over-budget that we didn’t need that was most likely done as a political favor for someone. Now we are going to go back into deep debt for a project for the lazy that basically just eliminates walking across a bridge (which has actually become a tradition to do going to a game, anyway). Nothing like having $550 million dollar (oops, sorry … probably something like $800 million dollar) holes under the river that we really don’t need.

Boy … that $550 million could have gone a long way to support our current transportation system - or better yet, extended it into needed areas …… or even to the airport …… woooohooo ….. well that would make since. Considering there is a law against doing anything that makes sense in Pittsburgh and PA, I guess Rendell is just abiding by the law.

In honor of the Pittsburgh 250 Celebration, I think we should jump this one to the number one position of the Pittsburgh 250 stupidest things done in our city.

… was I being biased and sarcastic? Sorry ….. but I just think this project is stupid …..

related Post-Gazette article